In this monthly column, therapists from North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center answer your questions on issues related to parenting, mental health and children’s well-being. To submit a question, email communications@northshorechildguidance.org.
Question: Our 16-year-old daughter has been severely depressed since breaking up with her boyfriend, who has been harassing and cyberbullying her. He is posting cruel messages about her online, sharing private details of their relationship to embarrass her, and encouraging others to exclude her at school. We were shocked to learn that he had treated her poorly even before the breakup, though she hasn’t been open about what transpired. Now, she’s saying she just wants to disappear, and we’re terrified she might hurt herself. How can we support her emotionally, protect her from further harm, and help her heal from this toxic situation?
– Helpless Parent
Dear Helpless Parent: Finding out that your child has been a victim of teen dating violence is heartbreaking and difficult to navigate for the entire family. When a teen is experiencing interpersonal abuse, whether psychological, sexual, or physical, it can take a severe toll on their mental health, leading to depression, isolation, and even suicidal thoughts.
Understanding the Abuse
It’s important to help your daughter recognize that her ex-boyfriend’s actions of spreading false rumors, name-calling, and threats are tactics of control. Abusive partners often manipulate their victims by making them feel unworthy, isolating them from loved ones, and using technology to harass and intimidate. Unfortunately, this behavior is not uncommon. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, among high school students who dated, about 1 in 12 experienced physical dating violence, and 1 in 10 experienced sexual dating violence, with females experiencing higher rates of both forms of violence than males.
Steps of Support
By creating a safe space for open conversation, you let your daughter know that you are there to listen without judgment. Encourage her to share her feelings and thoughts by asking open-ended questions about what she is going through and what she needs, but understand that it may be difficult for her to talk about the trauma she has experienced. It’s important to reassure her that what happened is not her fault and that she is not alone.
Social media has made it more difficult to step away from harassment that might otherwise be confined to school. Enforcing healthy boundaries and digital safety with your daughter will allow her to feel safe at home again, away from the abuse of her ex-boyfriend. Help her adjust her social media privacy settings to protect herself from further harassment, and ensure that she blocks her ex-boyfriend. Reach out to school officials, who may have protocol in place to keep your daughter safe during the school day.
Recognizing the signs of trauma is vital in helping your daughter heal. If she becomes withdrawn, anxious, or irritable, these may be indicators of further emotional distress brought on by her experience. Signs of depression and suicidal thoughts are immediate cause for bringing her to a professional so that she can begin to work through her distress.
Getting Professional Help
Teens recovering from dating abuse need mental health support to rebuild self-esteem and regain a sense of safety. Individual and group therapy can help your daughter recognize what a healthy relationship looks like and develop the tools she needs to move forward.
At North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, we provide urgent mental health services for children and families facing dire situations like this. Our Triage and Emergency Services team is here to help your daughter develop the strength to overcome this trauma and the tools to learn what a loving, respectful relationship is like.
To learn more, call the Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971 or visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.