Holidays gatherings can be among the happiest times of the year. But the reality is, these family get-togethers can also bring up all sorts of conflicts. Old wounds from the past (“Mom always liked you best!”), differences on parenting styles (“You really shouldn’t let your kids listen to that music, dear”) and, especially these days, disagreements about politics (“I can’t believe you voted for fill in the blank!”) can turn what should be a happy occasion into a battlefield.

When children and teens are part of your holiday celebrations, it’s especially important that you model good behavior, according to Elissa Smilowitz, LCSW and Coordinator of Triage and Emergency Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center.  “Family members should keep in mind to be respectful about other family norms and values that might not be the same as yours,” she says. “Differences of opinion are common and should be viewed respectfully.”

Here are some tips to help you get through the holidays without a whole lot of hollering.

• Set realistic expectations. The image of the perfect family gathering is just that—an image. That uncle who just can’t seem to get through the meal without telling a joke that rubs you the wrong way isn’t likely to miss the opportunity to share his witticisms. Who knows? You may end up being pleasantly surprised, but if not, try not to dwell on the not-so-perfect moments.
• Accepting that things won’t necessarily go exactly as planned is different than accepting truly obnoxious or hurtful behavior. If you have a family member who consistently ruins holidays by picking fights or insulting others, you have every right to remove him or her from your guest list. You are not required to subject yourself or your children to unacceptable behavior.
• Are politics a particularly hot-button issue in your family? Then it might be wise to set a rule ahead of time that all-things-political are off limits—at least during the season’s festivities. You’re not compromising your principles, but rather just agreeing that this isn’t the best time to get into any likely heated debates.
• Is your child or teen a screen addict? Let them know that phones are not invited to the holiday table. Encourage them to take part in family activities such as board games. They’ll survive the temporary tech blackout.
• Prep your kids on how to accept a gift graciously. It’s very possible that the scarf and mittens that Grandma and Grandpa picked out might disappoint your little one, who was hoping for something less practical and more fun. It’s a smart move for you to explain ahead of time that saying “thank you, I really love it” does not violate your policy on truth-telling.
• Although this season is one of the most anticipated times of the year for many kids, it can also be overwhelming. Try to maintain their routine as possible, including bedtimes, naps, meals, playtime, etc.
• Let your children help with decorating, baking, wrapping presents and other items on our holiday to-do list. Even little ones can put their finger on the ribbon so you can tie a bow. They’ll feel very proud when they tell their favorite aunt that they played an important role in making her gift so special.
• No one knows your children better than you. If they are very sensitive to crowded, noisy places, then maybe the mall isn’t a great place to bring them during the holiday rush. If they are high energy, make sure to plan a visit to the playground or skating rink. Does sitting quietly and reading a book help your shy or anxious child to feel calm? Then build in time specifically for that kind of activity. Acknowledging your child’s needs and helping them learn skills to self-soothe will go a long way toward making this holiday season a joyous one.

From all of us at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, we wish you a happy, healthy holiday!