by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center | Sep 21, 2020 | Ask The Guidance Center Experts, Blog
By Beth Whitehouse, Newsday, September 18, 2020
Photo: Olivia, 11, and Samuel Murad, 15, were both anxious and excited about returning to school. Credit: Newsday/Thomas A. Ferrara
Olivia Murad, 11, was anxious about more than just entering a new school with new teachers and new classes ahead of her first day of middle school in Great Neck. This year, she also has to deal with concern of the coronavirus.
“She’s a little nervous; wants to know if she’s going to be safe,” says Olivia’s mom, Ianthe, 46, a clinical audiologist. Murad and her husband, Rachid, 48, who works in human rights at the United Nations, have decided it’s important to send Olivia back to the classroom alternate days according to the district’s hybrid plan. “We really have been attached at the hip since lockdown in early March,” Murad says of herself and her daughter. “I feel that the social component is so critical at this age.”
So does Olivia. “When I heard we had to do online school, I had no motivation to get up in the morning and do my work,” she says. “My motivation is seeing my friends.”
Samuel, 15, who is in 10th grade at a private school, is attending five days a week. “I’m very happy about that,” Samuel says. “Getting back to a normal schedule, waking up really early, going to class.” He jokes that he should have readjusted within the first two months.
Like other parents, the Murads are hoping their children adapt easily and any anxiety fades away. “This is a major moment. They’re going to school during a pandemic, which has upended everybody’s world and is pretty scary,” says Karen Fleiss, psychologist and clinical director of the NYU Langone Child Study Center’s Long Island office in Lake Success. Fleiss and other experts offer these 10 ways to help the fall be happier for tweens and teens:
1. Understand and validate
Parents should validate their teen’s feelings to help them process emotions instead of internalizing them, says Elissa Smilowitz, director of triage and emergency services for the North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center in Roslyn Heights.
Mark Lashley, a pediatrician at Valley Stream Pediatrics, part of Long Island’s Allied Physicians Group, likens the pandemic to a rock thrown into a pond creating ripples. “Covid has added a layer of complexity to these worries kids have and the stress they feel,” he says. Separation by six feet may hinder their typical manner of socializing. “They’re worried about the joyful activities they were expecting to have and whether they’re going to have them.”
Parents can be an outlet. “Sometimes teenagers are just looking for people to hear them,” says Pia Alexander, a family therapist in private practice in Brooklyn and Mineola who has two teenagers.
2. Be flexible
“Because things are changing so much moment to moment, it requires a lot of flexibility,” Alexander says. Not just from the kids. “When things don’t look the way you were expecting, it’s about how you respond to those differences.”
Do what’s right for your family and your children, Alexander advises. “Instead of comparing your own family to what other families are doing on social media, families have to define what is special to their own family,” she says. “People are curating these images to put out a story they want to represent them instead of what is really going on.” Eschew the “shoulds,” she says. “Families are going through different experiences.”
3. Try to foster excitement
“There’s an undercurrent of disappointment in what school is actually going to be like this year. They know what it was like in the spring, and they didn’t love it,” Fleiss says. “The energy of the new school year, all the newness of it, it’s just not there.”
Fleiss has one client, she says, who asked her mom if she could change her room around to make it different and a fresh start for the school year; parents can try to help students find ways to feel more engaged.
4. Accept your child’s weaknesses
Accepting their vulnerabilities can reduce family stress. Kids may be worried whether their friend groups will still accept them after having been apart, Smilowitz says. “The worry is, ‘Are they going to talk to me?’” They may have fears about their academic performance.
“Your kid might not be able to achieve everything they would in a typical year,” warns Caroline Mendel, a private practice psychologist from the North Shore. Adjusting expectations will make everyone happier, she says.
Acknowledge that this is hard. “When you see them off task, remind them that you’re with them and they can do it,” says Don Sinkfeld, a mental health practice owner in Valley Stream who has a 13-year-old daughter. Adolescents don’t relish hearing a parent say, “Didn’t you get the instructions about how to turn this assignment in?” “If the kids feel like they’re going to disappoint you, they’re not talking,” Sinkfeld says.
5. Impose daily structure
“Children don’t have the best, what we call in pediatrics, ‘executive functioning.’ They need guidance,” Lashley says. “Providing structure is very important — time for work, time for play, time for bed, time for exercise.”
That routine may look different from a year ago, but a predictable routine is grounding, Mendel agrees. Parents may need to help children break academic tasks down into manageable steps, she says.
Try to limit electronics, Lashley adds. “We lump all electronic devices — TV, tablet, phone and gaming consoles — into one category,” he says. During the summer, experts told parents they could relax the normal advice to keep children entertained in isolation. But now, parents ought to resume some restrictions, Lashley says. The American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines recommends teens have no more than two hours of recreational screen use per day, he says.
6. Allow teens some autonomy
“They’re in this stage where they need to start making decisions,” Fleiss says. Come up with your non-negotiables, what are absolute musts for you, and then allow some choice and ownership on other decisions, experts say.
“Instead of imposing boundaries, you want to discuss it with them, especially with older teens,” Alexander agrees. Say, for instance, “In our family, we all try to get to sleep at this time. Does that feel reasonable to you? What do you propose?”
7. Try to offer socialization outside of school, albeit safely
“Any therapist who works with teens knows that the social setting — their peers, their friends — is the most important thing for them,” says Kathy Sionit, a social worker in private practice in Great Neck who has five children between 11 and 17.
Schools that are totally remote or keeping children six feet apart may not truly offer satisfying socialization, Alexander says. “Parents should, as much as they can, and by what is safe for their family based on medical issues, try to tailor some social interaction for their tweens and teens with others.”
8. Embrace nature
A positive during the pandemic has been the amount of time tweens and teens may be spending outside, Sionit says. Other experts echoed her. “Getting outside into nature is very helpful for children who are having trouble adjusting,” Lashley says.
9. Have a sense of humor
Tweens and teens are trying their best, Sinkfeld says. When things go wrong, try to laugh. “Have a sense of humor about it.”
10. Watch for depression/anxiety
Some teens may experience depression, anxiety, hopelessness, apathy, loss of motivation, even suicidal ideation, experts say. Parents should watch for changes in sleep patterns and appetite, increased irritability or sadness, and decreased ability to concentrate, Lashley says.
It may be a temporary adjustment disorder, Sinkfeld says. “Adjustment disorder means the person is experiencing some kind of life event that they are having trouble adjusting to. COVID changes to school and household routine, even how you learn, that is definitely a huge adjustment,” Sinkfeld says. If parents are seeing signs, they should consider reaching out to a professional for help, experts say.
by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center | Sep 17, 2020 | Blog
The Covid-19 pandemic has had a devastating impact on our country and across the globe, impacting the physical and mental health of children, families and individuals of every kind.
But the Asian-American community has faced an additional trauma: All over the world, including right here on Long Island, there’s been an enormous increase in acts of bias against Asian-Americans.
According to NBC News and the Center for Public Integrity, more than 30 percent of Americans have witnessed someone blaming Asian people for the coronavirus pandemic, with 60% of Asian-Americans reporting the same thing. Children of every age, along with adults, have been physically and verbally assaulted. Taunts such as “Go back to your country” and “Coronavirus is all your fault” have been common.
Kevin Sun of the Great Neck Chinese Association said his organization has had several reports from local families whose children have experienced harassment, including one recent incident where two sisters were cursed at by another group of middle schoolers, who also destroyed their bicycles. The girls are now afraid to leave home and go out in their own neighborhoods.
In response to this troubling situation, on September 10, 2020, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center presented a webinar titled “Anti-Asian Bias: What Parents Need to Know,” to discuss the traumatic situation and to provide useful information to our communities on how they can help their families when such incidents occur.
The panel, moderated by Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of the Guidance Center, featured State Senator Anna Kaplan; Regina Barros-Rivera, Associate Executive Director of the Guidance Center; Christine Liu, the Vice Chair of the Nassau Asian American Advisory Council and a board member at the Chinese American Association of North Hempstead and Herricks Chinese Association; and ChenXin Xu, Board Member of the Great Neck Chinese Association and Founder, New York Music & Arts.
“Sadly, in every pandemic, a scapegoat is needed,” said Malekoff. “The ‘frozen moments’ [of traumatic harassment] stick with you for the rest of your life.”
State Senator Kaplan reported that her office has seen an escalation in reports of racism against Asian-Americans. “Bias and xenophobia have made the problems of the pandemic more severe. It’s going to take all of us working together to make sure are kids are protected.”
Kaplan encouraged those who’ve experienced any form of discrimination to contact her office at kaplan@nysenate.gov or call (516) 746-5924.
Christine Liu described the treatment that Asian-American children are experiencing in our local communities. “Kids are being bullied, shunned and shamed,” she said.
Her advice: “We have to report every single instance of bias, no matter how big or small. Every time we fail to report, we lose the opportunity to seek justice and bring awareness to our community that anti-Asian bias exists in Nassau County.”
In addition to contacting Kaplan’s office, she recommended calling Nassau County’s Office of Asian-American Affairs at (516) 572-2244.
Liu also stresses the importance of recording situations of hate and bias from the moment they begin.
Barros-Rivera advised parents to listen to their children closely and to validate their feelings, asking them what happened, what they wanted to say and do and what they did.
“Parents should invite their child in for communication,” she said. “You want to help them develop a sense of competence and the ability to take care of themselves.” She also emphasized that they need to know they can talk to the parent, teacher or guidance counselor.
It’s also vital to teach your children that racist behavior or slurs of any type is not acceptable, and to be careful what you say in front of your children. “Kids learn from you,” said Barros-Rivera, “and they will take that in and share it on the outside.” One great way to encourage them to be anti-racist is to expose them to the outside world and different cultures.
A few days following the webinar, ChenXin Xu reported that the event received a tremendous amount of support from not only the Chinese community but the entire community of Great Neck. “This was a beginning for all community members and official leaders to shed a light on bias and discrimination toward Asian-American families. It opened up more dialogue, and unfortunately uncovered more unpleasant experiences that happened to children and adults on this very issue at home and social media. We hope and urge the local officials both from Nassau County as well as the school districts to emphasize and educate further.”
Kevin Sun said, “The webinar brought the community together to learn about an important topic during this tough period. All the panelists gave the community unwavering support as well as numerous valuable suggestions, ranging from how to empower kids when they face discrimination to how to deal with the psychological aftermath.”
If your child has experienced bias or harassment and is feeling depressed, anxious or frightened, contact North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center for help. Call (516) 626-1971 or visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
Note: The free webinar was recorded and can be viewed by clicking here. It will be available in Chinese at a later date.
For more advice, check out this article from the Anxiety & Depression Association of America.
IMPORTANT TAKEAWAYS FROM THE WEBINAR:
- Report every single instance of bias, no matter how big or small.
- Advise your children to record these interactions as soon as they begin.
- Call 911 if the situation is dangerous and teach your children to do so.
- Give children age-appropriate facts about the virus, so they know no culture is responsible for the pandemic.
- Always encourage open dialogue with your children.
- Let them know racist behaviors are never acceptable.
- Model the behavior you want to see by being anti-racist yourself.
- Tell them they have nothing to be ashamed of and being bullied is not their fault.
- Teach them to stand up for themselves respectfully without escalating the situation further.
- Report incidences to your child’s school and teachers.
- Speak to your school about creating assemblies to combat racism.
by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center | Sep 9, 2020 | Blog
It’s a phone call we get nearly every day at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center: A parent tells us their son or daughter seems very depressed and anxious. They worry that their child may be at risk for self-harm or even suicide.
“Families are in desperate need of help because their tweens and teens are expressing suicidal feelings,” says Regina Barros-Rivera, Associate Executive Director of the Guidance Center. “And with the isolation and heightened anxiety brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s created an even more dangerous situation. Kids have lost their school and social connections, and many families have experienced the loss of loved ones. As a result of being secluded in an unstable home, children may also be exposed to domestic violence, substance abuse, neglect or other forms of violence.”
Sadly, suicide among young people isn’t a new problem on Long Island or across our nation. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the secondleading cause of death for ages 10-24, with more teenagers and young adults dying from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza and lung disease combined.
For all of our 67-year history, the Guidance Center has been helping children and families in crisis, and we are increasing our efforts with a new program designed to prevent suicide and suicide attempts.
Today, on World Suicide Prevention Awareness Day, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is announcing the launch of the Douglas S. Feldman Suicide Prevention Project, an expansive initiative that aims to tackle the epidemic of suicide among young people. The program is made possible by a generous gift from Donald and Ellen Feldman in memory of their son.
Elissa Smilowitz, who heads up the Triage & Emergency program at the Guidance Center, has been treating suicidal youngsters for several decades. She will also be providing leadership for the Douglas S. Feldman Suicide Prevention Project.
“We’ve always seen emergency cases within 24 to 48 hours, but with this new initiative, we will be expanding our efforts substantially,” says Smilowitz. With the Douglas S. Feldman Suicide Prevention Project, the Guidance Center will continue to address high-risk cases with a thorough evaluation for suicide risk; multiple sessions of individual, group and family therapy each week; and an individualized treatment plan that focuses on safety strategies and healthy coping skills.
The Guidance Center will now offer services that will decrease the prevalence of suicidal thinking and actions in our children and teens through educational forums, both face-to-face and with webinars. In addition, we will launch a suicide survivors’ support group for those who suffer this tragic loss.
Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of the Guidance Center, says, “We are grateful to the Feldmans for supporting the development of a suicide prevention initiative that will enhance our ability to reach young people who may see no way out from the despair they are feeling—especially during a time of unprecedented risk, deep divisions in our nation and a global pandemic.”
He adds, “Join us in spreading the word to schools, community organizations and friends about the Douglas S. Feldman Suicide Prevention Project. Information is power, and this program can save lives.”
Donations to support the lifesaving work of the Douglas S. Feldman Suicide Prevention Project can be made on the Guidance Center’s website at www.northshorechildguidance.org/donate or by calling (516) 626-1971, ext. 320.
If you or a member of your family is in crisis, call North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971. You can also call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Sources:
https://webappa.cdc.gov/sasweb/ncipc/leadcause.html
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/teen-suicide/art-20044308
Knowing the Signs
Both children and teens are at risk of depression and suicide when they experience traumatic events in their lives, such as divorce, death of a loved one, abuse or illness. Today, the stresses of the pandemic compound that risk.
Parents must acknowledge that the risk of suicide is real and that it’s very dangerous to view their child or teen’s behavior as a normal part of adolescent melodrama.
Here are some of the warning signs that a child or teen might be suicidal, from the Mayo Clinic:
- Talking or writing about suicide — for example, making statements such as “I’m going to kill myself,” or “I won’t be a problem for you much longer”
- Withdrawing from social contact
- Having mood swings
- Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
- Feeling trapped or hopeless about a situation
- Changing normal routine, including eating or sleeping patterns
- Doing risky or self-destructive things
- Giving away belongings when there is no other logical explanation for why this is being done
- Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated when experiencing some of the warning signs listed above
So, what do you do if you suspect your child or teen may be suicidal? The first step is to consult a mental health professional. The Guidance Center team will assess if the situation appears urgent and will make an appointment to see the child within 24 to 48 hours (if it’s deemed extremely urgent, we advise you go to the Emergency Room). We can be reached at (516) 626-1971, or via email at intake@northshorechildguidance.org.It’s very important that you communicate your concern to your child in a loving, non-judgmental way, says Elissa Smilowitz, who heads up the Guidance Center’s new Douglas S. Feldman Suicide Prevention Project. “Talking about suicide will not make your child more likely to act upon it,” she says. “The opposite is true. Also, let them know that you believe that getting help is not a weakness, but rather shows their strength.”
by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center | Sep 1, 2020 | Blog
September is National Obesity Awareness Month, but it’s always a good time to talk to your kids about healthy eating—especially with many adults and children alike having put on weight from stress eating and inactivity due to the pandemic.
Sadly, being significantly overweight is very common. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the percentage of children and adolescents affected by obesity has more than tripled since the 1970s.
Today, nearly 1 in 5 school age U.S. children and young people (6 to 19 years) is considered obese. When you factor in those who are considered overweight but not yet obese, the figure rises to 31%.
Why the dramatic increase? Behavior and habits are the most likely culprits. According to Dr. Sue Cohen, Director of Early Childhood and Psychological Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, technology plays a big role.
“Many families have become sedentary, with TV, computers and videogames as the culprits,” she says. “And it’s not just the kids; parents, too, are often modeling these behaviors.”
Of course, shaming a child for being overweight is never appropriate. From a very early age, parents should nurture a positive body image with their kids, focusing on their bodies as the miracles they are!
But if your teen’s weight has become a health concern, you can address it in a loving, non-critical way.
Dr. Cohen recommends approaching the issue as a family topic rather than focusing on an individual child. “The message should be that we all need to eat healthier and we can all start a fitness program as a family,” she says. “You don’t want to make your child feel badly about themselves, so focusing on healthy eating and activity rather than appearance is extremely important.”
Here Are Some Things to Keep in Mind When Broaching
The Subject Of Weight With Your Children,
From The Academy Of Nutrition And Dietetics:
Encourage open dialogue. Go ahead and talk with your children about weight and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings about body image whenever they arise. When children discuss feelings about weight with you, be sure to listen and acknowledge that the feelings are real. If you have had similar experiences, it may help to share them. Explain that people come in all different shapes and sizes and you love your child no matter what.
Don’t make negative comments. Judging your own body or your child’s can result in lasting detrimental effects to your child’s body image and relationship with food. Set a good example for children in the way you talk about your own body as well as others. Skip the lure of fad dieting yourself.
Take action. Children learn fast, and they learn best by example. Teach children habits that will help keep them healthy for life. In general, if your child is elementary age or younger and you have some weight concerns, don’t talk about it; just start making lifestyle changes as a family. The best thing you can do is make it easy for kids to eat smart and move often. Serve regular, balanced family meals and snacks. Limit the time your child spends watching television or playing video games. Look for ways to spend fun, active time together.
Avoid the blame game. Never yell, scream, bribe, threaten or punish children about weight, food or physical activity. If you turn these issues into parent-child battlegrounds, the results can be harmful. Shame, blame and anger are setups for failure. The worse children feel about their weight, the more likely they are to overeat or develop an eating disorder.
Talk with your healthcare provider. If a health professional mentions a concern about your child’s weight, speak with the professional privately. Discuss specific concerns about your child’s growth pattern and ask for suggestions on making positive changes in your family’s eating habits and activity levels.
Seek advice. Check out local programs and professionals who specialize in youth. Look for a registered dietitian nutritionist with a specialty in pediatric weight management. Many hospitals and clinics have comprehensive programs with education and activities for both kids and adult family members. Some of these options may be covered by your health insurance plan.
Finding Healthy Foods
Are you among the Long Islanders whose location and/or financial issues make it difficult to access healthy, fresh foods? Many soup kitchens and food pantries don’t have a large supply of fresh groceries, but Community Solidarity shares nutritious food to those in need, with 50% of that being fresh produce. To find out more, visit communitysolidarity.org.
Sources:
www.cdc.gov/healthyschools/obesity/index.htm
www.eatright.org/health/weight-loss/overweight-and-obesity/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-weight-and-obesity
www.cdc.gov/healthyschools/obesity/facts.htm
www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/lose_wt/
by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center | Aug 27, 2020 | Press Releases
Roslyn Heights, NY, August 25, 2020 — On Thursday September 10, 2020 at 7 p.m., North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center and the Great Neck Chinese Association will be cohosting a free webinar titled “Anti-Asian Bias: What Parents Need to Know.”
“The Covid-19 pandemic has led to a substantial increase in acts of bias against Chinese Americans and other Asian-Americans around the country,” said Kevin Sun, Co-President of the Great Neck Chinese Association. “And it’s happening right here on Long Island. Kids and adults are being verbally harassed, spit on and shunned in stores. It’s a very concerning situation.”
While many families have shared stories with him about these incidents of racial bias, one was particularly heartbreaking. “The parents of a seven-year-old boy told me that some kids surrounded their son on a playground, cursing at him and making anti-Chinese remarks,” said Sun. “The little boy was frightened and traumatized, and the parents were devastated to see the impact on their child.”
“The Asian-American community is facing a backlash that’s similar to what Muslims faced after 9/11,” said Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of the Guidance Center, the region’s leading children’s mental health organization. “Pandemic-fueled harassment and violence creates lasting trauma, especially for youngsters, and all of us are responsible to stand up against these horrific attacks.”
The webinar, which will air live but be recorded for later viewing, will cover the discrimination issues facing Asian-Americans and, most important, give people resources and information that they can use if they or their children are subject to harassment.
“It’s common in our culture for people to keep quiet about these matters, especially when they are new immigrants,” said Sun, “but if we don’t know specifics about the attacks, it’s much harder to help. There are people out there who can offer assistance, whether it be the mental health professionals at the Guidance Center or legal authorities.”
State Senator Anna Kaplan, who is the first political refugee and the first Iranian-American elected to the New York State Senate, will discuss anti-discrimination laws during the webinar.
“The crisis we find ourselves in has brought out the best and worst in people, and unfortunately we have seen a significant escalation of harassment and violence against the Asian-American community fueled by anti-Asian bias and xenophobia,” said Kaplan. “As Americans, we need to rise to this occasion, and face this challenge as a family, and there is no place in our American family for hatred and bias. I’m grateful for the efforts of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center and the Great Neck Chinese Association for holding this important event to empower our community with the tools we need to deal with this crisis, and I encourage everyone to participate and be part of the solution.”
Other participants will include Regina Barros-Rivera, Associate Executive Director of the Guidance Center;
Christine Liu, the Vice Chair of the Nassau Asian American Advisory Council and a board member at the Chinese American Association of North Hempstead and Herricks Chinese Association; and ChenXin Xu, Board Member of the Great Neck Chinese Association and Founder, New York Music & Arts.
The free webinar is open to everyone. Questions will be taken during the event, or people can email questions prior to the webinar at president@gnca.org.
For more information about the Great Neck Chinese Association, visit www.gnca.org. To learn more about the services offered by the Guidance Center, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
About Us: As the preeminent not-for-profit children’s mental health agency on Long Island, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is dedicated to restoring and strengthening the emotional well-being of children (from birth – age 24) and their families. Our highly trained staff of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, vocational rehabilitation counselors and other mental health professionals lead the way in diagnosis, treatment, prevention, training, parent education, research and advocacy. The Guidance Center helps children and families address issues such as depression and anxiety; developmental delays; bullying; teen pregnancy; sexual abuse; teen drug and alcohol abuse; and family crises stemming from illness, death, trauma and divorce. For more than 65 years, the Guidance Center has been a place of hope and healing, providing innovative and compassionate treatment to all who enter our doors, regardless of their ability to pay. For more information about the Guidance Center, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or call (516) 626-1971.
