If my count is accurate, I was one of just three men (aside from the tech guy) who attended the Maternal Mental Health Conference on Oct. 2, at the Morrelly Conference Center in Bethpage. Yet the message of this conference was as germane for men—fathers, brothers, grandfathers and coworkers—as it was for mothers.
The conference was led by a terrific panel of health professionals, health educators and advocates. In the comments to follow, I will not cite any one in particular but I credit all five—Pauline Walfisch, Dr. Ariela Frieder, Vanessa McMullan, Sonia Murdoch and Phyllis Kaufman—who are all champions for pregnant and parenting moms.
We must begin with understanding the false ideal imposed upon many new moms. The ideal is that when a woman becomes pregnant, delivers a child and becomes a mother who cares for that child, everything is supposed to perfect.
Undoubtedly, some moms are able to acknowledge that being a mother is messy. They can adjust their sights, recognize that the ideal of perfection is a fantasy and adjust to the new reality of their lives. Naturally, it helps enormously to have the consistent support and understanding of their partner, family members and friends.
For some moms, though, messiness is harder to tolerate, especially when they experience what used to be known exclusively as postpartum depression and is now known as perinatal mood or anxiety disorders (PMADs for short). The latter term broadens the focus by recognizing that depression can occur during pregnancy as well as after giving birth, and that anxiety may also be a part of the picture. In other words, postpartum depression, the term most well-known by the lay public, is just one type of PMAD.
It is important here to pause and explain the difference between baby blues and clinical depression. The term baby blues represents the normal and characteristically mild ups and downs that new moms might experience for a few weeks after giving birth. Postpartum depression, on the other hand, can be the result of a confluence of stressors including the shifting of reproductive hormones following the delivery, sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, isolation, inadequate partner support, poverty and health issues of mom or baby, for example.
When you couple all this with the myth of perfect maternal bliss, the result is that many moms living with PMADs suffer in silence. Anything other than 100 percent perfection evokes feelings of stigma and shame.
Some mothers who are clinically depressed live with the belief that they should just “suck it up.” Others are advised to “pray it away.” Moms are very hard on themselves; they can begin to feel hopeless and harbor the feeling that things will never get better.
The good news is that there is help. The better news is that you can help. As one of the panelists advised, just ask the question. In other words, ask how mom is doing. The focus is most often on how the baby is doing, totally disregarding the mom, which just reinforces the idea that moms should be happy, holding their own and thrilled to be a new mother.
Whether you are a partner, parent, friend or colleague—female or male—asking the question is the first step toward eliminating stigma and shame. It can make all the difference in the world for a new mom who is suffering in silence. Ask the question.
Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. To find out more, including information about the Guidance Center’s Diane Goldberg Maternal Depression Program, call 516-626-1971 or visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
Singer Alanis Morissette had the foresight to prepare for a recurrence of postpartum depression following the birth of her third child [“Postpartum blues for Morissette,” Flash!, Oct. 8]. Sadly, this is not the case for most new moms who experience depression.
It is important to understand that baby blues represents mild ups and downs and stress that new moms might experience for a few weeks after giving birth. Postpartum depression is the result of factors that can include the shifting of reproductive hormones following delivery, sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, isolation, inadequate partner support, poverty and health issues of mom or baby.
Most women with postpartum depression are very hard on themselves, suffer in silence and harbor feelings of shame. This can spiral into hopelessness and a belief that things will never get better.
The good news, according to Sonia Murdoch, co-founder of the Postpartum Resource Center of New York, is that others can help. How? Just ask the question! Ask a new mother how she is doing — a first step toward eliminating the hopelessness that a new mom might be feeling. Ask the question.
Andrew Malekoff,
Long Beach
Editor’s note: The writer is executive director of North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center, which operates the Diane Goldberg Maternal Depression program in Manhasset.
Manhasset, NY, August 29, 2019 —Do you have any infant or toddler who has trouble getting on a regular sleep schedule? You’re not alone! Many parents aren’t sure how to help their children get the right amount of sleep—and that means the whole family is tired.
On October 3rd, 2019, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center will be holding a free Pediatric Sleep Workshop at its Marks Family Right From the Start 0-3+ Center, located at 80 North Service Road, L.I.E., Manhasset. The presenter will be Corey Wilbur, a Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant, Licensed Family Therapist and founder of Let There Be Sleep LLC.
Wilbur, a Port Washington mother of two boys, experienced the difficulties of getting her first child on a regular sleep schedule, which led her to want to help other parents facing similar problems.
“I was an exhausted and frustrated parent who had tried everything after the birth of my first son, who had colic,” she says. “I struggled to get him to sleep more than an hour or two in a row at night.”
During the day her son would only nap while being held. “I saw no relief in sight,” says Wilbur. “I wasn’t able to truly enjoy being a mom. Instead, my life revolved around trying to get my son to sleep and taking cat-naps whenever I could.”
A colleague recommended that Wilbur use a Certified Sleep Consultant, and she was glad she took that advice. After implementing the suggestions of the Sleep Consultant, in just under two weeks her son went from waking every 2-3 hours at night to sleeping 11-12 consecutive hours at night, as well as taking 90-minute naps by himself.
“It was absolutely amazing!” says Wilbur. “I couldn’t believe how much better I felt and how much more I enjoyed being a mom. I wanted to tell every tired parent how they, too, could get a good night’s rest.”
At the workshop, Wilbur will share tips for parents of young children (ages 4 months—2 years), including:
Establishing healthy sleep routines at each age and stage
Setting safe sleep spaces that also improve the quality of sleep
Reducing sleep associations
Reducing cat napping and night wakings
Vanessa McMullan, who heads up the Guidance Center’s Diane Goldberg Maternal Depression Program, says the workshop is a terrific way to help parents to get concrete tips on approaching sleep problems. “Lack of sleep is a big source of stress for many moms and dads, too,” says McMullan. “When children aren’t sleeping, their parents aren’t sleeping, so they are less equipped to handle their responsibilities. It has an effect on the whole family.”
For more information about this free workshop, please contact Vanessa McMullan at the Guidance Center, (516) 484-3174, extension 415 or email VMcMullan@northshorechildguidance.org.
About Us:
As the preeminent not-for-profit children’s mental health agency on Long Island, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is dedicated to restoring and strengthening the emotional well-being of children (from birth – age 24) and their families. Our highly trained staff of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, vocational rehabilitation counselors and other mental health professionals lead the way in diagnosis, treatment, prevention, training, parent education, research and advocacy. The Guidance Center helps children and families address issues such as depression and anxiety; developmental delays; bullying; teen pregnancy; sexual abuse; teen drug and alcohol abuse; trauma; and family crises stemming from illness, death and divorce. For more than 65 years, the Guidance Center has been a place of hope and healing, providing innovative and compassionate treatment to all who enter our doors, regardless of their ability to pay. For more information about the Guidance Center, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or call (516) 626-1971.
A sellout crowd of 245 people recently joined together for North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center’s annual spring luncheon. This year’s event, which supports the Guidance Center’s mission to restore and strengthen the emotional well-being of children and their families, was a record-breaker, raising more than $87,000.
The luncheon, which took place at Glen Head Country Club, began with a morning round of Mahjong, Canasta and Bridge, along with unique shopping boutiques from some of Long Island’s trendiest and most charitable small business owners, including Buy the Bag, Club & Country, Dash, I Thrive, Transitions and RFC Fine Jewelry, among others.
After a delicious luncheon buffet, Vanessa McMullen, who is the supervisor at the Guidance Center’s Marks Family Right From The Start 0-3+ Center in Manhasset and also head of the agency’s Diane Goldberg Maternal Depression Program, introduced the day’s speaker, former client Katherine. The audience was completely engrossed as Katherine shared her experience with postpartum depression and talked about the lifesaving treatment she received at the Guidance Center.
She told the crowd, “I was desperately seeking someone who could tell me that I could get through this and convince me that it would get better. When I was finally connected with North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, my life and my daughter’s life were changed forever. The Guidance Center has not only given me back my life, it has given my family a future.”
“Katherine’s story was incredibly moving,” said Nancy Lane, who is the Guidance Center board president. “When she spoke about the dedication of the Guidance Center staff to both her and her family, I was incredibly proud. Our dedicated team of professionals gives their all to bring hope and healing to each and every client.”
The luncheon couldn’t have been so successful without the hard work of the co-chairs, Jan Ashley, Amy Cantor and Alexis Siegel.
“The enormous success of this year’s event is largely due to the incredible dedication of our three co-chairs,” said Andrew Malekoff, executive director of the Guidance Center. “They have put so much time and energy into the luncheon for several years, and we are truly grateful to them for continuing to make each year more special than the last.”
—Submitted by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center
Board members and supporters of the Guidance Center’s lifesaving mission had a wonderful time at this year’s Spring Luncheon.
A sellout crowd of 245 people joined together on Wednesday, April 17 for North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center’s Annual Spring Luncheon. This year’s event, which supports the Guidance Center’s mission to restore and strengthen the emotional well-being of children and their families, was a record-breaker, raising more than $87,000.
The luncheon, which took place at Glen Head Country Club, began with a morning round of mahjong, canasta and bridge, along with unique shopping boutiques from some of Long Island’s trendiest and most charitable small business owners, including Buy the Bag, Club & Country, Dash, I Thrive, Transitions and RFC Fine Jewelry, among others.
After a luncheon buffet, Vanessa McMullen, supervisor at the Guidance Center’s Marks Family Right From The Start 0-3+ Center in Manhasset and also head of the agency’s Diane Goldberg Maternal Depression Program, introduced the day’s speaker, former client Katherine. The audience was completely engrossed as Katherine shared her experience with postpartum depression and talked about the lifesaving treatment she received at the Guidance Center.
She told the crowd, “I was desperately seeking someone who could tell me that I could get through this and convince me that it would get better. When I was finally connected with North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, my life and my daughter’s life were changed forever… The Guidance Center has not only given me back my life, it has given my family a future.”
“Katherine’s story was incredibly moving,” said Nancy Lane, Guidance Center board president. “When she spoke about the dedication of the Guidance Center staff to both her and her family, I was incredibly proud. Our dedicated team of professionals gives their all to bring hope and healing to each and every client.”
The luncheon couldn’t have been so successful without the hard work of the co-chairs, Jan Ashley, Amy Cantor and Alexis Siegel.
“The enormous success of this year’s event is largely due to the incredible dedication of our three co-chairs,” said Andrew Malekoff, executive director of the Guidance Center. “They have put so much time and energy into the luncheon for several years, and we are truly grateful to them for continuing to make each year more special than the last.”
The Guidance Center is also grateful for the support of its sponsors. They are: Adelphi University, Baxter Smith & Shapiro PC, Amy Cantor, Ruth Fortunoff Cooper, Fara Copell, Linda Cronin, Julie Epstein, Fifth Avenue of LI Realty/Americana Manhasset, Joan & Jeffrey Grant, Janni and Associates/FNA, Deborah Klein, Rosemarie Klipper, Tracey Kupferberg/CBR, NYU Winthrop Women’s and Children’s Services, Raich Ende Malter & Co. LLP, Alexis Siegel, Signature Bank, Ruth & Michael Slade, South Oaks and Zucker Hillside Hospitals — Northwell Health and Carol Wolowitz.
