As I write this on the morning of May 25, 2020, I’m struck by what a different Memorial Day this is compared to what we have become so accustomed to. For the most part, there are no large gatherings on the beach; no parades led by high school bands; no throngs of people lining the streets, standing shoulder to shoulder and cheering on our war veterans; no big blowout shopping sales for furniture, home décor, cars and lawn equipment; and no family and friends’ barbecues without masks and social distancing (for those committed to practicing safety and sanity over vanity).
Yet Memorial Day remains the one day each year that we as a nation explicitly honor the more than one million Americans who died defending the United States beginning with the Revolutionary War of 1776, all the way through recent wars launched in response to the Sept. 11, 2001 attack on America.
For the uninitiated, I learned firsthand after my father died in 1994 that funeral flags are presented to the next of kin of deceased veterans who served honorably in the U.S. Armed Forces to honor their military service to his or her country.
It is a tradition among the family members to preserve their loved one’s flag for display. This year and every year on Memorial Day, in honor of all those who made the ultimate sacrifice, I display the burial flag that I was presented at my dad’s funeral in 1994.
I imagine my father, who was a part of what has become known as the Greatest Generation, would be proud to know that his flag, now faded from years of use, has been displayed again this year, at a time when the term memorial has additional meaning for hundreds of millions of Americans.
According to MilitaryTimes.com, “The fatality rate among Veterans Affairs patients continues to rise, with a significantly higher percentage of veterans stricken with the illness eventually succumbing to the disease than in the rest of the general public.”
Let me be clear that most of those who are dying and were lost to the pandemic, including our brave front-line medical personnel, are not casualties of armed conflict and their losses should not be conflated with the sacrifice of the war dead. Yet who can help but not think about them today, if even fleetingly.
Death is in the air.
Their loved ones have suffered a traumatic loss as have our Gold Star families, compounded by the fact that many could not be at their loved ones’ bedside in the end or partake in routine customs and rituals that typically follow a loved one’s death.
A variation of a line attributed to Joan Didion comes to mind: When a single person dies, the whole world is empty.
Grief is in the air.
Traumatic loss refers to the traumatic reaction an individual may have after a sudden and unexpected death or even a death that was expected. It involves both the yearning generated by the deep distress of separation as well as the disbelief and loss of hope that traumatic stress can generate.
Grief never goes away. Which is why days like Memorial Day that affirm it are so important, even though such days are never quite enough.
Each year this national day of mourning brings us together in body, mind and spirit, close up or six feet apart, to talk about and remember those who sacrificed everything. It is a day that offers the bereaved communal support and helps to reaffirm and re-establish a sense of community that is so critical to restoring a sense of hope.
Although there are the familiar social rituals that can help to support mourners through the process of normal bereavement, there is no custom or common ritual that recognizes the mourning that follows traumatic life events like armed combat, a terrorist attack, a natural disaster or the invasion of a microscopic mass killer.
Memorial Day alone is not enough to remember and honor our fallen heroes.
Remember them every day.
And whenever the day comes that we look back and remember those who perished in the pandemic of 2020, it will not be enough for a national holiday to incidentally evoke their memories.
Get a head start. Say a prayer or meditation for them today and every day.
Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, the leading children’s mental health agency on Long Island. The Guidance Center is seeing new and existing clients via telephone and video during the COVID-19 crisis. To make an appointment, call (516) 626-1971. Visit www.northshorechildguidance.org for more information.
Roslyn Heights, NY, May 14, 2020—When a group of longtime Syosset friends decided to come up with some fun ways to hold virtual get-togethers, the idea popped into their heads with one word: BINGO!
The couples—Alex and Leslie Arker, Jen and Neil Gallow and Ian and Karen Weiskopf— sent the word out through their social media networks that they were going to host a weekly bingo night on Zoom, called Bingo for a Cause, which would not only be great entertainment but also support nonprofit organizations involved in COVID-19 relief efforts, along with local businesses.
Its inaugural game was attended by more than 140 families, who donated $10 per bingo card. The winner received a gift card to an area restaurant or other retailer.
“After week one, we wanted to figure out a way to keep it interesting, so we asked Josh Lafazan to be the game caller for our second week,” said Leslie, whose daughter Emily interns for the Nassau County Legislator. “Everybody in Syosset knows Josh because he’s so great for our community.”
Lafazan recommended that the nonprofit to benefit from week six’s proceeds should be North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, Long Island’s preeminent not-for-profit children’s mental health agency, headquartered in Roslyn Heights.
“I learned about the Guidance Center from my mother, who proudly served on the board of directors,” said Lafazan. “Since I was inaugurated as legislator, the organization has made an enormous contribution to my community, helping to support mental health initiatives and community wellness programs. When Alex reached out about supporting a local program providing child adolescent health services, I was proud to recommend the Guidance Center!”
In the weeks following, the three couples and some of their friends reached out to their connections and were able to get two Syosset-born celebrities to act as game callers: Academy Award winner Natalie Portman and WNBA star Sue Bird, who played basketball for Syosset High School.
As of mid-May, Bingo for a Cause has raised $33,500 for local nonprofits, with the Guidance Center receiving more than $4,300.
Leslie Arker was pleased to have the Guidance Center as one of the game’s charities. “The work that the Guidance
Center does to support kids’ well-being is phenomenal,” she said. “It’s important every day, but now more than ever before with everyone’s life being so disrupted.”
Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of the Guidance Center, expressed gratitude to the Arkers and all of the families who take part in Bingo for a Cause, as well Josh Lafazan for recommending the organization as a beneficiary. Said Malekoff, “The pandemic is causing major mental health challenges for children and their families, and we are proud to be there to help them heal during this unprecedented time.”
As the preeminent not-for-profit children’s mental health agency on Long Island, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is dedicated to restoring and strengthening the emotional well-being of children (from birth – age 24) and their families. Our highly trained staff of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, vocational rehabilitation counselors and other mental health professionals lead the way in diagnosis, treatment, prevention, training, parent education, research and advocacy. The Guidance Center helps children and families address issues such as depression and anxiety; developmental delays; bullying; teen pregnancy; sexual abuse; teen drug and alcohol abuse; and family crises stemming from illness, death, trauma and divorce. For more than 60 years, the Guidance Center has been a place of hope and healing, providing innovative and
compassionate treatment to all who enter our doors, regardless of their ability to pay. For more information about the Guidance Center, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or call (516) 626-1971.
I celebrated my birthday on May 14 in the year of COVID-19.
My wife Dale and I usually go out with friends for our birthdays. Obviously, that wasn’t happening this year. So, we ordered in from one of our favorite Italian restaurants. I had baked ziti and Dale had seafood over pasta. We had a seven-layer cake for dessert.
It was a beautiful day all day, sunny and in the fifties. Some would say too cool for the spring, but perfect for me. After working remotely all day I took an hour-long walk.
Of course, walks now involve masks and neighbors dodging one another as if we all have some kind of disease. Then again, that’s the point. Maybe we do.
For my birthday, I assigned myself a research project.
I thought it would be interesting to get further perspective on current circumstances, by conducting a country-by-country, worldwide comparison of confirmed COVID-19-positive cases, against the New York Metro area numbers of the same.
Worldwide there were 4,294,101 confirmed cases of infection on May 14. My study includes only countries with more than 10,000 confirmed positive cases, interspersed with numbers from a few nearby places that we are all familiar with.
The United States leads the way with 1,420,000. But, before any other country enters the mix, I discovered that New York State at 340,661 cases leads the next country on the list, which is Russia at 242,271, followed by Spain, the United Kingdom and Italy at 221,216.
To be clear, I’m not including a population comparison or accounting for underreporting or variable rates of testing. Just raw numbers.
Next on the list is New York City (all five boroughs combined) – I want to be a part of it New York, New York – at 188,545, beating out Brazil and Germany, both in the 170,000s and topping the State of New Jersey – ba da bing – at 141,560 barely topping Turkey and then followed by France, Iran and the People’s Republic of China.
China reports 84,464. How can that be right?
Less than 10,000 behind China is Long Island at 75,892. We’re less than 10,000 behind? How did that happen?
Close behind Long Island is India at 74,281, followed by Peru and Canada. Just topping 70,000. Before we get to the next country – Belgium, Queens, comes in at 57,748, which is followed by Brooklyn at 50,667 – Fuhgeddaboudit.
Saudi Arabia and the Netherlands are in the low 40,000s just before Nassau County which is at 38,587, a few strides ahead of Mexico and, followed by Suffolk County at 37,305.
Among the countries that follow Nassau and Suffolk Counties, all with more than 10,000 and in descending order, are Ecuador, Switzerland, Portugal, Sweden, Qatar, Belarus, Singapore, Ireland, United Arab Emirates, Bangladesh, Poland, Israel, Ukraine, Japan, Austria, Romania, Indonesia, Colombia, South Africa, Philippines, Dominican Republic, Kuwait, South Korea, and Denmark.
I thought it was astonishing that after the United States, which tops the list, that New York State, New York City and New Jersey were among the top 10; Long Island and Queens in the top 20; and Brooklyn, Nassau and Suffolk Counties all in the top 26 worldwide.
Happy birthday to me.
Andrew Malekoff
Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, the leading children’s mental health agency on Long Island. The Guidance Center is seeing new and existing clients via telephone and video during the COVID-19 crisis. To make an appointment, call (516) 626-1971. Visit www.northshorechildguidance.org for more information.
Rumor has it that Shakespeare wrote King Lear during the plague. So, how’s working at home during our modern day plague going for you?
Social media and other sources are replete with articles about how you can use your time during the pandemic to be more productive. Not only are you supposed to be working remotely at full capacity – or even harder, because, after all, it’s a time of crisis for your company– but you’re told it’s a great time to learn a new hobby, declutter your closet, get in shape and, while you’re at it, write that play or novel that’s been brewing in the back of your mind.
While you and your family are experiencing one of the most stressful, uncertain and challenging times in our country’s history, you are being encouraged to tackle your to-do list and use all of those “extra” hours to accomplish more than ever.
Really?
The truth is, we are all in survival mode. Not since 9-11 have we felt a similar shock to our systems and existential threat to our welfare. And, with no definitive end to this period of isolation and upheaval in sight, you are bound to be way more than a little off your game.
The roles we use to define our worth—our ability to earn a living, to protect our families, to provide an education for our children—are under threat. A large part of our identities are based on interactions with our colleagues, friends and family. But the need for social distancing has thrown those foundational elements of our lives into chaos.
While the chances of you or a loved one dying from COVID-19 may be relatively small in stark terms of percentages, it’s not at all unreasonable to be so frightened that focusing on even simple tasks is difficult.
Bottom line: Now is not the time to put pressure on yourself to be a superstar. Give yourself—and your employees, bosses, kids and everyone else—a break. If you’re working from home, expect to be less productive than usual. We’re all living through a period when our bodies and minds are on high alert. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. In fact, it would be unnatural to feel otherwise.
If you’ve got kids at home, the challenges are multiplied. You’re now expected to be teacher, playmate and parent. If you work on the front lines, or in a grocery store or any other public-facing job, you’re putting your health at risk. And your financial portfolio has likely tanked.
For everyone’s sake, adjust your expectations. Expect your kids to be more clingy and anxious than usual. Expect them—and yourself— to be more tired or easily triggered to anger. Let your loved ones express their feelings, and talk to someone about your own. Tell your kids it’s normal to be frightened, but reassure them that the best scientists in the world are working on solutions, and that we will get through this.
Instead of training for the marathon, focus on the basics for you and your family: Eat healthy foods, mostly. Take some walks (dogs are loving this). Get up from your desk and stretch. Play ball with the kids. Allow yourself to get some extra sleep. Keep clearly defined work hours. Limit your news consumption to a “need to know” basis.
Don’t isolate. Use technology to stay in touch with peers, friends and family. Texts aren’t enough. Use Zoom or FaceTime so you feel truly connected. And when speaking with your co-workers, ask them how they’re doing.
We’re in uncharted territory, and there’s no right way to cope. This is a time when doing the best you can is a perfectly acceptable goal.
Bio: Jenna Kern-Rugile is Director of Communications at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, a children’s mental health agency that serves all of Nassau County. The Guidance Center is seeing new and existing clients via video and phone while its buildings are closed. For more information, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org. To schedule an appointment, email info@northshorechildguidance.org or call (516) 626-1971.
