Roslyn Heights, NY, November 19, 2019 — All moms deserve some pampering, but when you’re a mother who is experiencing postpartum depression, a day out dedicated to your wellbeing is a much-needed healing experience.
This fall, the place of healing was Neiman Marcus in Roosevelt Field. The renowned retailer, which is a dedicated partner and supporter of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, offered a “Beauty Master Class” for several moms who are clients of our Diane Goldberg Maternal Depression Program. The mothers were treated to a personalized makeup application from two representatives from lilah b., a natural line of beauty products made in Italy.
“The lilah b. reps were just wonderful,” said Vanessa McMullan, Supervisor at the Guidance Center’s Marks Family Right from the Start 0-3+ Center in Manhasset. “They talked to the moms and helped them choose the right makeup for their skin.” The mothers also went home with a gift bag of products from lilah b.
McMullan also expressed her gratitude to the staff at Neiman Marcus, which has partnered with the Guidance Center for the past four years, offering a variety of beauty events and also a mentoring conference for some of our teen girl clients.
“Neiman Marcus had a special room set up just for us, with extra help to care for the babies that came,” said McMullan. “All of the moms loved being together and getting some TLC. It was a perfect day!”
“One of the pillars of our company is supporting the communities where Neiman Marcus stores are found,” said Neiman Marcus Roosevelt Field Vice President, General Manager Doris Wilshere. “We are thankful for the relationship that we have built with North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center over the four years since our store opened. We applaud the Guidance Center for the support they provide to the many Long Island families that rely on resources like the Maternal Depression Program to live happier and healthier lives.”
Neiman Marcus will be hosting more events for our Guidance Center’s maternal depression clients later this month and for the foreseeable future. To find out more, contact Vanessa McMullan at vmcmullan@northshorechildguidance.org or call (516) 484-3174, ext. 415.
A representative from makeup company lilah b. helps a Guidance Center client enjoy a day for self-care.
About Us:
As the preeminent not-for-profit children’s mental health agency on Long Island, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is dedicated to restoring and strengthening the emotional well-being of children (from birth – age 24) and their families. Our highly trained staff of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, vocational rehabilitation counselors and other mental health professionals lead the way in diagnosis, treatment, prevention, training, parent education, research and advocacy. The Guidance Center helps children and families address issues such as depression and anxiety; developmental delays; bullying; teen pregnancy; sexual abuse; teen drug and alcohol abuse; and family crises stemming from illness, death, trauma and divorce. For more than 65 years, the Guidance Center has been a place of hope and healing, providing innovative and compassionate treatment to all who enter our doors, regardless of their ability to pay. For more information about the Guidance Center, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or call (516) 626-1971.
By Jenna Kern-Rugile, Director of Communications, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center
My daughter Maya is now 19, but the questions and puzzled looks still arise at times. When I recently took her to a new doctor, for example, he walked into the office and, in a somewhat surprised tone, asked, “Are you her mother?”
Yes, I am her mother. True, she doesn’t look like me. She arrived at JFK and in our lives on November 24, 2001 when she was 16 months old. Maya was born in Guatemala, and we are blessed that her birth mother placed her for adoption. (See “Airborne to New Motherhood” to read more.)
From the very start, strangers asked questions. At the library, one woman said, “Is she yours?” At the park, another said “Are you her real mother?”
When she was a little girl, it wasn’t uncommon for other children to ask why we didn’t look the same. I’ll never forget one day in the playground, when Maya was about three years old and a child said, “That can’t be your mom!” Maya was confused, hurt and angry.
The truth is, the vast majority of people—and especially young children—mean no harm when they say such things. As an adoptive interracial family, we grew accustomed to it; we answered most questions by simply saying, “Yes, I’m her real mother. Families are made in all different ways, and ours was made through adoption.”
Still, when Maya was young, these episodes stung. Now that she’s a young adult, the questions don’t come up as often—probably because she spends more time out with friends than with me!
Regardless, I still see and hear language surrounding adoption that ranges from the misinformed to the inherently biased. Why, for example, would a newspaper story write something like, “Jane Smith is the mother of three children and one adopted child?” when adoption has no relevance to the content?
The bottom line: Education about adoption language is always a good thing. November is National Adoption Month, and in the spirit of sharing knowledge, here are some do’s and don’ts from Healthychildren.org:
DO: Use the words “birth child” and “adopted child” only when they are relevant to the discussion; otherwise simply use “child.” DON’T: Refer to a child born to his parents as the parents’ “real child,” “own child,” or “natural child.” A child who was adopted is very real and not at all unnatural; she is very much her parents’ “own child.”
DO: Use the words “birth parents” or “biologic parents” only when asking about them is relevant. DON’T: Refer to the child’s birth parents as his “real parents” or “natural parents.” Adoptive parents are very real and natural.
DO: Treat siblings who joined families by birth or adoption equally. They are loved equally by their parents and experience all of the joys and trials of any sibling relationship. DON’T: Distinguish between children who were adopted into the family and children who were born into the family unless it’s relevant.
DO: Describe birth parents as choosing “to make an adoption plan for the child” or “to place the child for adoption.” DON’T: Refer to a child as being “put up” or “given up” for adoption. Most birth parents have thought long and hard about their decision to place a child for adoption. It is very important to a child’s self-esteem to know that her birth parents loved her and worked hard to reach a decision that they felt to be in her best interest.
DO: Recognize that families come in all shapes and sizes. Some families may have a single adoptive parent or permanent legal guardian and no other legal parent. Others families have same-sex parents. DON’T: Assume that the child has two opposite-sex parents.
DO: Recognize that a child understands adoption gradually as she grows, just as with all other developmental tasks. DON’T: Ask, “Are you going to tell your son that he’s adopted?” Adoptive parents are encouraged to talk freely and honestly about adoption from the time their child is very young so that there is never a time in the child’s life when this information comes as shocking news.
DO: Be sympathetic with the long and sometimes arduous path that parents have traveled to become parents. Some may be experiencing significant financial stresses after the adoption, some may still be grieving infertility losses, and some may be coping with extended family members who do not accept the new member of the family. Recognize that even though the child may not be a newborn, the adults may be new parents. Recognize that post-adoption depression exists and is similar to post-partum depression. DON’T: Ask, “How much did you pay for your daughter?” Children are not bought. Fees go to pay social workers and attorneys, to complete court and government paperwork, to cover travel, medical, foster/orphanage care, and other expenses, not to “buy children.”
Do you have advice or a story to share? Contact Jenna at jkern-rugile@northshorechildguidance.org.
If my count is accurate, I was one of just three men (aside from the tech guy) who attended the Maternal Mental Health Conference on Oct. 2, at the Morrelly Conference Center in Bethpage. Yet the message of this conference was as germane for men—fathers, brothers, grandfathers and coworkers—as it was for mothers.
The conference was led by a terrific panel of health professionals, health educators and advocates. In the comments to follow, I will not cite any one in particular but I credit all five—Pauline Walfisch, Dr. Ariela Frieder, Vanessa McMullan, Sonia Murdoch and Phyllis Kaufman—who are all champions for pregnant and parenting moms.
We must begin with understanding the false ideal imposed upon many new moms. The ideal is that when a woman becomes pregnant, delivers a child and becomes a mother who cares for that child, everything is supposed to perfect.
Undoubtedly, some moms are able to acknowledge that being a mother is messy. They can adjust their sights, recognize that the ideal of perfection is a fantasy and adjust to the new reality of their lives. Naturally, it helps enormously to have the consistent support and understanding of their partner, family members and friends.
For some moms, though, messiness is harder to tolerate, especially when they experience what used to be known exclusively as postpartum depression and is now known as perinatal mood or anxiety disorders (PMADs for short). The latter term broadens the focus by recognizing that depression can occur during pregnancy as well as after giving birth, and that anxiety may also be a part of the picture. In other words, postpartum depression, the term most well-known by the lay public, is just one type of PMAD.
It is important here to pause and explain the difference between baby blues and clinical depression. The term baby blues represents the normal and characteristically mild ups and downs that new moms might experience for a few weeks after giving birth. Postpartum depression, on the other hand, can be the result of a confluence of stressors including the shifting of reproductive hormones following the delivery, sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, isolation, inadequate partner support, poverty and health issues of mom or baby, for example.
When you couple all this with the myth of perfect maternal bliss, the result is that many moms living with PMADs suffer in silence. Anything other than 100 percent perfection evokes feelings of stigma and shame.
Some mothers who are clinically depressed live with the belief that they should just “suck it up.” Others are advised to “pray it away.” Moms are very hard on themselves; they can begin to feel hopeless and harbor the feeling that things will never get better.
The good news is that there is help. The better news is that you can help. As one of the panelists advised, just ask the question. In other words, ask how mom is doing. The focus is most often on how the baby is doing, totally disregarding the mom, which just reinforces the idea that moms should be happy, holding their own and thrilled to be a new mother.
Whether you are a partner, parent, friend or colleague—female or male—asking the question is the first step toward eliminating stigma and shame. It can make all the difference in the world for a new mom who is suffering in silence. Ask the question.
Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. To find out more, including information about the Guidance Center’s Diane Goldberg Maternal Depression Program, call 516-626-1971 or visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is thrilled to announce that its Celestial Soirée raised more than $485,000 to support the Guidance Center’s mission to bring hope and healing to children and their families who are experiencing mental health and substance use challenges.
The Oct. 24 gala, which honored Louis P. Iglesias, president and Chief Executive Officer at Allied World Assurance Company Holdings Ltd., is the Guidance Center’s biggest fundraising event of the year.
“The Guidance Center provides an essential service to our community,” said Iglesias. “The importance of providing a safe environment to address children’s mental health issues cannot be overestimated. I am proud to be part of such a great cause.”
A dedicated group of Guidance Center supporters made the evening a huge success. They include event co-chairs John Bender and Wesley Dupont both from Allied World; journal co-chairs Nancy and Lew Lane; and emcee Stacey Sager of WABC TV’s Eyewitness News, whose grace and generous spirit made for a fantastic evening.
“We are so grateful to Lou Iglesias and co-chairs John Bender and Wes Dupont for helping us raise the funds that support our mission to bring emotional healing to children and families who are struggling with mental health issues,” said Paul Vitale, Board president at the Guidance Center. “Each year, we are blessed to have so many dedicated supporters who understand the importance of our work, and who enable us to serve 10,000 individuals each year.”
Sager, who emceed the event for the first time this year, said,“I can’t think of anything more critical than the mental health and well-being of our children. Working with a group as dedicated as the Guidance Center assures me that children and their families will always have a place to turn for the lifesaving help they may desperately need.”
A former client named John, now 17, spoke about his journey with ADHD, and how the Guidance Center’s unique Wilderness Program—which takes at-risk youth on hikes to nature settings—made all the difference in his success. “The reason the Wilderness Program is so important and helpful to people like me is because it’s a safe space for people to be able to be themselves and learn and improve at their own pace,” John told the audience. “The program made me feel like I could accomplish anything I put my mind to.” Guidance Center Executive Director Andrew Malekoff expressed his gratitude to the honoree, speaker, emcee, donors, sponsors and all who worked so hard on the gala committee.
“For more than 65 years, we have been dedicated to providing mental health services to all children and families, regardless of their ability to pay,” said Malekoff. “And because of the generosity of everyone involved, we will be able to continue to provide the best in care to the community.”
All proceeds will benefit the Guidance Center. To learn more about the organization’s services, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or call 516-626-1971.
North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center promises to work with children and their families from birth to age 24. Does that mean babies get therapy?
Well, not in the traditional model of sitting on a couch and talking about their “issues,” of course. But the Guidance Center does, indeed, provide help for the very youngest clients at our Marks Family Right from the Start 0-3+ Center (RFTS) in Manhasset.
All of the programs at RFTS, which include therapeutic and support services, are led by Dr. Sue Cohen, Director of Early Childhood and Psychological Services, who has been with the Guidance Center since 1991.
“This was my first job,” says Cohen, who received her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from St. John’s University. “My passion has always been working with young children, infants and their parents.”
The Guidance Center’s Early Childhood Services are very unique, Cohen says. “Most agencies don’t work with very young children. We have a family-centered approach that helps parents and children manage difficult situations.”
So, what are the types of issues that would make a parent bring in a baby or young child for treatment? Cohen explains: “We help children with a range of problems, from oppositional defiance to attention deficit disorders to learning problems and developmental delays.” Other common concerns revolve around separation issues, trauma, divorce and bereavement.
“We always bring parents and caregivers in to find out what’s going on and to be an active participant in the treatment, as they are active participants in their children’s lives,” she says. “We wouldn’t work alone with a baby; we need to see the parent-child and family interactions. We gather information from multiple sources to help determine if the child is meeting milestones and to see if he or she might need intervention like speech or physical therapy.”
Cohen and other Guidance Center professionals such as the medical director work as a team, conducting assessments and then conferring to determine the best course of treatment. “It’s a whole-team approach,” she says. They also conduct diagnostic testing for children on the autism spectrum, and children with learning disabilities and/or attention problems.
Very often, the mode of treatment involves play therapy. “Play is the child’s main way of learning and communicating,” says Cohen. “We think outside the box and use lots of creative means of relating to the child.”
Back to the Garden
One of those methods involves the use of the organic garden at RFTS (the Guidance Center also has an organic garden at its headquarters in Roslyn Heights). “We use the garden as a metaphor for growth and nurturance,” says Cohen. The staff often teaches the youngsters this poem: “Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds, you can plant flowers, or you can plant weeds.”
Says Cohen, “Working in the garden helps kids learn lessons about responsibility, collaboration and self-esteem. We tell them they can ‘weed out’ unnecessary behaviors and do things to help support good behaviors. It empowers them. Plus, many children have also used this as an opportunity to step out of their comfort zone and try a new vegetable or two.”
Cohen and her staff also utilize the Nature Nursery, which is primarily designed for our early childhood population of children under six years old. The Nature Nursery features a variety of “tools,” including a rock and water garden, shells, pine cones, wind chimes and more, all designed to help children explore the sights, sounds, smells and touch of nature.
“Six year olds, or sometimes even younger kids, are getting iPads or other tech devices,” she says. “They are losing touch with how to communicate and socialize face to face. When you see two and three year olds having tantrums because their parents don’t want to give them the phone, it’s a problem. They’re being set up to have social and communication problems.”
While learning to navigate technology is important, parental limits for moderation are also important, she adds. “We encourage children and their parents to also play with creative, hands-on activities and age-appropriate games.”
Autism Support
Cohen also runs a group called GASAK, for Grandparent Advocates Supporting Autistic Kids. “We sometimes bring in a speaker from a local support program or an educational advocate or lawyer who can provide information to the grandparents,” she explains. The grandparents often struggle when learning of a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and find comfort in knowing that others share their experiences.
“They are sometimes in an awkward position of not knowing how to help if, for example, they are taking their grandchild on outings and they have a tantrum or behave inappropriately. Our goal is to give them the knowledge, tools and support to handle these situations.”
What makes the Guidance Center such a great place isn’t only its services; it’s the people who work here, says Cohen. “We have a dedicated and passionate staff that is always looking for creative ways to help our children and their families.”
