The headline read: “Student activists prevail.” It was a story by Joie Tyrell published earlier this year that told the tale of a group of high school students who were researching the international issue of access to feminine hygiene products.
In their research, the teenage girls found that New York State legislation called for the provision of feminine hygiene products in the restrooms of all school buildings at no charge to students. Yet the Lindenhurst High School girls found that in their school such products were only available in the nurse’s office.
The girls addressed the issue with a school administrator and district officials. The authorities responded to the girls’ advocacy and the situation was remedied.
Some years ago, I worked in a high school where I encountered a situation that also involved a high school bathroom. In this case the problem was the fact that there were no doors on the stalls in the boy’s bathroom.
A group of boys, who were members of a school-based mental health counseling group, raised the issue. As one of them said, “Do you think they have any idea how humiliating it is to go to the bathroom with no doors on the stalls? There’s no privacy; it’s embarrassing.” The group decided to present their concern to school authorities. During a group meeting they rehearsed what they would say. Soon after they requested a meeting with the principal, and sometime after that their “demand” was met.
What these two stories have in common is young people identifying problems, having a vision, organizing and taking steps to ensure they receive the respect and dignity that they deserve.
As we approach the beginning of another school year, it is worth noting that young people have power and, when they exercise it and receive support, they can make a difference. Roger A. Hart, a professor of environmental psychology, has devoted much of his life’s research to children’s development in relationship to the physical environment. To that end he created a “ladder of participation” that differentiates the degrees to which young people might initiate change.
Following is an elaboration of the ladder of participation by Adam Fletcher, an internationally recognized expert on youth and community engagement. Fletcher starts with the top rung of the ladder.
Young people-initiated, shared decisions with adults: Projects or programs are initiated by young people and decision-making is shared between young people and adults.
Young people-initiated and directed: Young people initiate and direct a project or program. Adults are involved only in a supportive role.
Adult-initiated, shared decisions with young people: Projects or programs are initiated by adults but the decision-making is shared with the young people.
Consulted and informed. Young people give advice on projects or programs designed and run by adults. The young people are informed about how their input will be used and the outcomes of the decisions are made by adults.
Assigned but informed. Young people are assigned a specific role and informed about how and why they are being involved.
Tokenism. Young people appear to be given a voice, but in fact have little or no choice about what they do or how they participate.
Decoration. Young people are used to help or “bolster” a cause in a relatively indirect way, although adults do not pretend that the cause is inspired by young people.
Manipulation. Adults use young people to support causes and pretend that the causes are inspired by young people.
Understanding the ladder of participation can help those of us who care about kids to know when to lead, follow or get out of the way. In any case, making decisions that support young people becoming active participants in community affairs is a win-win, particularly when it supports them in blazing a path and making a difference in areas where we have failed.
Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
When I was a child, almost every Sunday morning after bagels, my father drove me to the bar and grill he managed in Newark, NJ. It was called the P.O.N., which stood for the Pride of Newark. One of the things I remember about the P.O.N. is its jukebox. My father gave me coins and I played my favorite song, over and over, week after week. The song was Lloyd Price’s “Personality.”
My only public solo musical performance as a child in the 1950s was at a “swim club,” also in Newark, a place with a huge pool and activities for adults and kids. I attended a day camp there. My counselor was a dancer who decided that his campers would put on a dance show for the entire membership of the club, a few hundred parents and kids. I didn’t want to participate in the dance project. Instead I convinced the counselor to let me give a solo performance of Jerry Lee Lewis’ “Great Balls of Fire.” I practiced and practiced, listening to the song over and over on a 45 vinyl turntable record player, performing in front of my mother, who helped me to transcribe the lyrics from the 45.
Music is an unforgettable part of our family life, and it brings back great memories, from growing up into adulthood.
Now I am a father of two boys, young men today, who played instruments in school and garage bands throughout all of their teenage years. There was never a time I can recall them not listening to music.
Jamie, my older son, played trumpet in jazz and Dixieland bands. My younger son, Darren, played the drums. He, together with a few classmates, formed a punk rock band, D.I.Y.-style. Because Darren was the drummer and we had the drum set, the band practiced for many years on the first floor of our house in Long Beach.
One autumn day, when Darren was about 14 years old, he asked my wife and I if his band and some fellow bands could have a concert in our side yard. We conferred and then said, “Sure,” providing he sought and received consent from our neighbors.
On concert day, scores of kids flocked to our yard, spilling out into the street. My wife, Dale, a high school art teacher, and I served as “security” for the concert. One neighbor (there’s always one) called the police. A uniformed police officer rolled up in a cruiser and told me that we had to “shut it down.” I offered to approach the complainant and make an appeal to him. I cajoled him into backing off and rescinding his complaint. The neighbor told me, “Just ask them to turn down the volume, my house is shaking.”
I promised the neighbor, but then as I turned to walk back down the street to my house, a van pulled up in front and some older teenage boys proceeded to cart out a set of speakers four times the size of the ones that were already in use. Needless to say, it was a memorable Sunday afternoon.
In Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography Born to Run, he discusses many aspects of his life, from early family experiences to his love of music to his first steps as a musician to forming a band to becoming a rock star, husband and parent. He also talks about his ongoing battle with depression. Music was the constant in his life, whether in good times or in bad.
In a new book titled Handbook of Music, Adolescents and Wellbeing, for which I wrote the foreword, Tia DeNora writes, “To the extent that it is always possible within music to be ‘young,’ music affords connection and reconnection with all of our aged-selves, all our days.” Springsteen epitomizes that in his music and writing.
My friend and music therapy scholar Katrina McFerran stated, “The pairing of music and emotions is natural and to a certain degree, unavoidable.”
Although I rarely talk about the musical memories I’ve shared here, each carries deep meaning for me. From supporting my boys’ appreciation of music to singing along with “Personality” on the jukebox in the bar with my dad to practicing “Great Balls of Fire” with my mom, I relish the way music has captured precious moments of time. Let the band play on.
Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
September 2019 marks the 50th anniversary of my freshman year in college. I attended Rutgers University in New Brunswick, N.J. I was a student-athlete.
Since football is a fall sport and 1969 marked the 100th anniversary of college football, on day one I learned that Rutgers was the birthplace of college football. The first college football game was played at Rutgers in 1869.
Being a member of the football team in 1969 was an honor. There was much history to learn. I don’t mean to suggest that my coaches spent time on teaching history, but if you were on campus you couldn’t escape it.
There were special centennial magazines, newspaper articles, booklets, parades, television and radio appearances, all devoted to the centennial celebration.
The senior football captains and coach appeared on the popular and nationally televised Ed Sullivan Show which, five years earlier in 1964 featured the Beatles for their first appearance.
It was in the fall of 1969 that I heard a name – Paul Robeson, for the very first time.
I never read about him in my high school textbooks and no teacher mentioned his name as best as I can recall. Robeson figured prominently in Rutgers football history and much more than that. This year represents the 100th anniversary of his graduation from Rutgers in 1919; leading to another centennial celebration.
Robeson, the son of a runaway slave, was the first black football player at Rutgers and the third African-American student to attend the school.
In addition to his athletic prowess, which included 12 varsity letters in football, basketball, baseball and track, he was an accomplished scholar, artist and human rights advocate.
He attended Rutgers on a four-year academic scholarship. He is, perhaps, the most accomplished of all Rutgers graduates since its founding in 1766.
A two-time football All-American and member of the College Football Hall of Fame, after graduation, Robeson earned a law degree.
Nevertheless, as reported in a recent profile by the university, he decided to use “his artistic talents in theater and music to promote African and African-American history and culture. He achieved worldwide acclaim as a vocalist and actor on stage and screen.” In London, Robeson became internationally renowned for his lead role in Othello.
Rutgers president Robert Barchi spoke of Robeson’s role in the struggle for human dignity, democratic rights, and economic justice: “He could have made a fortune [and] been celebrated in every aspect of his life, whether as a professional athlete or a singer or a scholar, but he chose to be an activist, to stick up for causes that he believed in, although they were not popular at the time.”
In fact, Robeson became an activist during a time in our nation when segregation was legal, and African-Americans were being lynched in southern states.
Among my lasting freshman memories was discovering Paul Robeson for the first time and wearing the same colors he wore on the football field some 50 years earlier. More importantly, I came to appreciate that what he accomplished beyond athletics in the fight for human rights, is his most enduring legacy.
We could sorely use another Paul Robeson today.
Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
Garden City residents were well represented at the Guidance Center’s Trivia Night. Pictured left to right: Paul Vitale, Lauren McGowan, Jane McGowan, Jack McGowan, Michael McGowan, Danielle Lalehzar and Maria Arianas.
It was a night filled with friendly competition, great conversation and lots of fun as North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center held its first-ever Trivia Night!
The event, which was held at Gino’s Trattoria and Pizzeria of New Hyde Park, raised money for the Guidance Center, the leading mental health non-profit organization on Long Island. The Guidance Center’s mission is to promote the emotional wellbeing of children and their families all across Nassau County.
Many of the people who took part in Trivia Night were Garden City residents, including Danielle Lalehzar and Maria Arianas. “It was a super fun night, but what was most important is that the funds raised support the Guidance Center’s work to help young people who are experiencing issues like depression, anxiety and other mental health challenges,” says Lalehzar, who has been a committee member on several Guidance Center events in the past. “It’s a real blessing to have this incredible resource.”
Another Garden City resident who attended and spoke at Trivia Night was Paul Vitale, the president of the Guidance Center’s Board of Directors. “Many years back, when I first learned that one in five children or teens will experience a mental health issue, I was stunned,” says Vitale. “It’s crucial that we get the message out that there is help for these kids that truly can be lifesaving.”
The Guidance Center clients, who come from every Nassau County community, range in age from newborns to 24-year-olds and their families. The organization’s long list of services include help for children and teens who are experiencing bullying, substance use, divorce, school refusal, suicidal thoughts, depression and trauma of all kinds. Mothers with postpartum depression also find healing through the Guidance Center’s programs.
“When one child or family is helped, the entire community benefits,” says Lauren McGowan, a Garden City resident and Director of Development at the Guidance Center. McGowan brought her husband and two teenagers to the event, and everyone enjoyed the spirited competition. “It was a terrific night, and we will definitely do this again next year,” she says, adding, “We are grateful to all those who support our work, which makes the difference in thousands of lives each year.”
I know that I am not alone. When I write about the fact that I have cancer, it is not my intention to suggest that I am in any way unique. Although when I was first diagnosed in 2010, I did feel special, and not in a good way.
At first, I thought I had a hernia. But the surgeon said no. It took almost two months for the biopsy of the lymph node that he extracted from my body to be definitively identified. I don’t know why it took so long. They said it was a good sample. They sent it to Bethesda for further analysis. Still no answer. I then had a second biopsy.
I received the phone call from the oncologist while I was at work on a Friday afternoon nine years ago. Hearing the words was surreal. What does this mean?
In the intervening years I’ve had radiation and several rounds of combined immunotherapy and chemotherapy, all aimed at killing the bad cells and stimulating my immune system. That is how I understand it.
I was fortunate enough to stay active—I exercised normally and hardly took a sick day, except when I had an all-day infusion. I had side effects: fatigue, constipation, rashes, neuropathy, alopecia and more. Of course, there is an emotional impact as well, particularly when death and dying are closer to consciousness than ever before.
When I was diagnosed, the first question I asked my doctor was, “Am I dead man walking?” She told me no. I was a bit self-obsessed for a period of time. I soon realized that my diagnosis had a profound impact on my family as well. Although they didn’t have to deal with the physical aspects of treatment or contend with immediate thoughts of their own mortality, caretakers and loved ones bear a burden that cannot be underestimated or ignored.
My father had cancer. He eventually died as the result of his spreading cancer invading his vital organs. My cancer is different than my father’s, but both are in the blood disease family. When he died, he was 74 years old. I slept in his hospital room for several days and watched him take his last breath.
I asked my doctor how long I could expect to live. I threw out a number and asked if I would make it that far. She said, we have lots of really good treatments.
In the intervening years, after several treatments, I learned that my cancer is not resistant to treatment, but it is persistent. In other words, it comes back much faster after treatment than they would like to see.
When I decided to write this, I didn’t want it to come across as self-indulgent. And, as I said at the top, I am not unique. When I read obituaries, I have noticed a common expression, so-and-so died after a long battle with cancer. Will my obituary say that?
Why am I writing this? It is to thank the researchers, the scientists who are hard at work discovering new treatments and cures every day—lots of really good treatments.
What I know today is that I owe the last nine years of my life to you and the health professionals who diagnose and administer care.
Thank you, one and all.
Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
With the support of same sex marriage becoming more and more popular in the United States, more confusion about these topics may hinder acceptance. If you’re the parent of a gay, bisexual or queer child and are confused about the terminology, this blog post is for you.
Here is a listing of various terms to help you understand the state of language usage when it comes to these issues.
Sexuality: refers to who one is romantically/sexually attracted to
Straight/heterosexual: one who is attracted to the opposite sex
LGBTQ+:
L (Lesbian): a woman who is attracted to other women
G (Gay): a man/woman who is attracted to other men/women, respectively
B (Bisexual): someone who is attracted to both men and women
T (Transgender): a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex. (“Transgender” is not a sexuality. Please refer to last week’s blog, “He Said, She Said, They Said: A Look at Gender,” for more information on transgender terminology).
Q (Queer or Questioning):
“Queer” is an umbrella term for someone in the LGBTQ community. Formerly used as a derogatory word for a gay person, it is now a self-described term for someone who is in the LGBTQ community.
“Questioning” refers to someone who is questioning their sexuality.
‘+’ is included to recognize the many sexualities that the acronym LGBTQ does not contain.
Some other acronyms you might see following LGBTQ+ are…
I (intersex): someone born with genitals or autonomy that is not distinctly male or female. Previously called “hermaphrodite.” (“Intersex” is not a sexuality. Please refer to last week’s blog, “He Said, She Said, They Said: A Look at Gender,” for more information on transgender terminology).
A (asexual): someone who does not experience sexual attraction
More sexualities not covered by the LGBTQ+ acronym
Pansexual: someone who is attracted to others regardless of gender identity
Polyamorous: someone who engages in consensual non-monogamy
And many more! Use Google if you’re unsure about a term.
Reclaimed Words
Reclaimed words are words/terms that were/are used to be derogatory against the LGBTQ+ community, and have since been “reclaimed” by the community. Unless someone in the LGBTQ+ community has invited you to say these words, do not use them:
Queer
Previously a derogatory term for a gay person, queer is now used by the community as an umbrella term for someone who is not straight.
Dyke
A lesbian who presents as masculine. Often used derogatorily, it has also been reclaimed by some lesbians as a positive self-identity term.
Butch
One who identifies themselves as masculine in all parts of life. Sometimes used derogatorily to refer to lesbians, but is also claimed as a positive self-identity term.
Faggot
Derogatory term referring to a gay person or someone perceived as gay. Also has been reclaimed by some gay people as a positive self-identity term
Homosexual
An outdated clinical term for a gay person. This medical term is considered stigmatizing based on its history as a category of mental illness. Use gay or lesbian instead.
Topics of gender and sexuality can be confusing. They are both fluid, and on a spectrum, ever changing based on personal preference and societal expectations. When in doubt, be patient, use Google, and if the LGBTQ+ person in your life is willing to share, ask questions. You don’t have to know it all, but as long as you’re open minded, you’re headed in the right direction.
Bio: Sydney Spilko is the social media intern at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. She recently graduated from Syracuse University with a degree in Psychology.
I cannot recall precisely how I was feeling or what my state of mind was during my late teens and early 20s, when my life revolved around school, work and relationships. The word that jumps to mind is uncertainty, which is a more formal way of saying that a lot was up in the air.
Maybe a clue to how I was feeling can be found on my bookshelf. I saved very few books from that era, some 50 years ago. One that I did keep is entitled “Loneliness and Love” by Clark E. Moustakas. I recall that the author didn’t present loneliness as a disease but rather a universal condition.
Was I lonely at the time? I’m not sure, as there are different kinds of loneliness. I had close relationships and absorbing work. I didn’t suffer for a lack of company, although I did live alone for several years. As Moustakas wrote: “There are many, many kinds of loneliness, but each experience is unique and each represents a different moment in life.”
Did my late teens and early adult years in the 1960s and ’70s offer me a different moment than young people today?
In an essay that was published last month in the Los Angeles Times, Varun Soni, dean of Religious Life at the University of Southern California, spoke to the changing nature of questions that his students raised over the course of his 11 years there. As he recalled, a decade ago they used to ask, “How should I live?” Today, he says, they are more likely to ask, “Why should I live?”
“Where they used to talk about hope and meaning, now they grapple with hopelessness and meaninglessness,” says Soni. “Every year, it seems, I encounter more stress, anxiety and depression, and more students in crisis on campus.” Among the most frequent questions students ask today, he says, is “How do I make friends?”
A recent study by Cigna revealed that loneliness is at epidemic levels in America, with nearly half of Americans reporting sometimes or always feeling alone or left out; one in four saying they rarely or never feel as though there are people who really understand them; and about half feeling they have meaningful interactions with a friend or family on a daily basis.
Cigna found that the loneliest generation was not older Americans, as one might guess, but rather young adults between the ages of 18 and 22.
To address this, USC offers various campus activities aimed at advancing connection and a sense of belonging, including yoga classes, friendship courses, meditation retreats and campfire conversations, to name just a few.
I don’t remember activities like this being offered when I attended school, but there were intramural sports, clubs and volunteer initiatives that offered the same opportunities for connection and belonging.
But there is more to it, according to Soni. He says that this generation has become increasingly disaffiliated with organized religion and the comfort and community it provides. They’ve also been exposed to active shooter trainings and school lockdown drills for most of their lives. This combination has contributed to “a crippling sense of anxiety and alienation.”
The only equivalency I can think of in the ’60s and early ’70s was the Vietnam War, which generated widespread protests across U.S. college campuses, and the tragedy of the 1970 Ohio National Guard shooting of 13 unarmed Kent State University students who were protesting the bombing of Cambodia. Four died. It was a time of anxiety. However, widespread dissent and organized protests seemed to galvanize young people and guard against alienation.
Moustakas wrote, “In loneliness, some compelling, essential aspect of life is challenged, threatened, altered, denied.” This rings true in our increasingly divided nation. For today’s youth and young adults, there are compelling challenges that cannot be solved by attending yoga or meditation classes, although I highly recommend participation in enriching programs such as these.
The universal challenges we face today are as compelling as at any time in my life. Active participation in civic affairs that address a host of issues such as climate change or common sense gun reform is one way to prevent the loneliness of hopelessness and despair.
Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, call (516) 626-1971 or visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
Garden City resident Paul Vitale was named to the Board of Directors of the North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center.
As an Executive Vice President at The Toy Association, Paul Vitale spends his days hard at work—not, as you might think, playing with the latest game or gadget! His role is of a more serious nature as he oversees the finance and operations of this leading toy industry trade association that represents businesses that design, manufacture, distribute and sell toys for kids of all ages.
The health and wellbeing of kids and their families is a prime focus of Vitale’s life. The Garden City resident recently was named President of the Board of Directors for North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, whose mission is to provide mental health services to children and families throughout Nassau County.
Although new to the role of President, Vitale has been part of the Guidance Center’s Board for more than two decades. “There are a myriad of challenging issues facing children and teens,” he says, “but help from the Guidance Center can have a lasting effect on them and the people around them, which benefits the entire community.”
Vitale says that in today’s culture, kids face more pressures than ever before. “A lot of the same issues exist—bullying, alcohol and drug abuse, depression and anxiety—that have been around for many years, but the constant, 24/7 access to social media has made it even harder on young people,” he says. “The need for help is so great, and that’s why having a community-based agency like the Guidance Center that doesn’t turn anyone away for inability to pay is such a blessing.”
The Guidance Center’s broad array of innovative mental health and substance use services makes the organization unique, Vitale notes. “The breadth of programming is really remarkable, with programs for kids from birth to 24. We have therapists and psychiatrists in three Nassau B.O.C.E.S. schools; there’s a wilderness program for teens; and there’s even a program to help mothers who are experiencing postpartum depression. It’s such an impressive array of services and a real treasure for Long Island.”
One crucial time that stands out in his mind is the period after 9-11, when so many children and families on Long Island were traumatized. “The attacks of 9-11 impacted so many Long Islanders, and the Guidance Center’s response was such a huge help in the bereavement process,” he says.
Community and family life are at the top of Vitale’s priority list. He has been happily married to his wife Marie for 37 years, and together they have three children and two grandchildren.
“We’ve lived in Garden City for 29 years and raised our kids here,” he says. “It’s a very close knit community, and I’m proud to be a part of it.”
According to Nancy Lane, who was Guidance Center Board President until recently, Vitale is well poised for this new role on the Board. “Paul is a longtime, dedicated Guidance Center Board member,” she says. “His knowledge and understanding of the agency’s mission and financial well-being is an invaluable asset.”
Vitale is looking forward to deepening his commitment to the Guidance Center. “It’s an honor to be President of the Board for an organization that’s been around for more than 65 years and does such important work.”
AR-15 rifles are displayed on the exhibit floor during the National Rifle Association (NRA) annual meeting in Louisville, Kentucky on May 20, 2016. Photo Credit: Bloomberg/Luke Sharrett
In the wake of the mass shootings in Texas and Ohio, we heard a White House narrative that focused attention on the role of mental illness.
Although people living with mental illness have been targets of discrimination for centuries, studies show that they are disproportionately the victims and not the perpetrators of violence.
All people of goodwill must continue to fight against stigma and discrimination and also for the elimination of race and ethnic-based fear and intolerance.
Andrew Malekoff,
Long Beach
Editor’s note: The writer is executive director of the North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center in Roslyn Heights.
Urbach–Wiethe disease in skin biopsy with H&E stain. (Image by TexasPathologistMSW via Wikimedia / CC BY-SA 4.0)
Can you imagine what it would be like to feel no fear regardless of circumstance? I am not referring to being courageous or resolute in the face of grave danger. Rather, having no physiological response to perceived threats to one’s survival. Would you like to have that capacity? Sounds like having superpowers minus the ability to bend steel with your bare hands or leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Believe it or not, there is a condition, Urbach-Wiethe (UW) disease, that creates the no-fear effect.
In UW disease, which is incredibly rare, calcium deposits take over the amygdala, the part of the brain that is responsible for emotion and survival instincts. The result is the complete absence of fear.
A few years ago, Washington Post reporter Rachel Feltman wrote an article titled, “Meet the Woman Who Can’t Feel Fear.” She wrote about a woman that she refers to as SM who has been diagnosed with UW disease.
Feltman was able to get an interview with SM, who shared a personal example of what it is like to feel no fear. “I was walking to the store, and I saw this man on a park bench. He said, ‘Come here please.’ So I went over to him. I said, ‘What do you need?’ He grabbed me by the shirt, and he held a knife to my throat and told me he was going to cut me. I told him, ‘Go ahead and cut me.’ And I said, “I’ll be coming back, and I’ll hunt you [down].’ I wasn’t afraid. And for some reason, he let me go. And I went home.”
SM also reported being held at gunpoint on two occasions and said she did not feel the need to contact the police. After all of these incidents, she experienced no signs of trauma. She said that none of the threats to her life bothered her in the slightest.
It’s not that SM didn’t realize the grave danger she was in. She is intelligent enough to know that being held at gunpoint could lead to her death, but she lacks the acute stress response that everyone else feels when they are exposed to danger.
How would someone with UW—if they were a parent—respond to a threat of danger to their child? I imagine that if SM were a parent, when a fight-or-flight response fails, she would rely on her intelligence and her fearlessness to protect her child.
Reading about UW disease made me wonder: Are there other human conditions in which there is a profound absence of fear?
For example, people with personalities that are characterized by antisocial behavior tend to have shallow emotions and a weak conscience. Such people don’t experience anxiety or sadness like most of us do, but that doesn’t make them immune to fear in the face of mortal danger.
What they do seem immune to is shame.
There have been only about 400 cases of Urbach-Wiethe disease since it was first discovered in 1908. So there are not many people walking the earth today who experience a complete lack of fear. As for a lack of shame, I’m sad to say that it seems to be rapidly on the rise.
Thousands of children have been ripped from their mothers’ arms at the border. Many asylum seekers are living in inhumane conditions, lacking basics like food and water. Journalists, some of whom risk their lives to expose criminal and/or immoral behaviors in their search for truth, are being denigrated, threatened and even killed. Regulations protecting us and our children from toxins in the environment are being tossed out at an alarming rate.
I imagine you have other shameful things to add to that list.
For the majority of us who feel both fear and shame, it’s time to speak out—even if it can be a scary thing to do. It would be a real shame if we remain silent.
Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
If you’re a parent, and you’ve heard these terms before, you may be confused about what they mean. As a larger understanding of gender among young people has increased over the past few years, topics, terms and ideas have emerged, and you can be sure that your kids are talking about it. In next week’s blog, we will be talking about sexuality; that is, the ways people are sexually and romantically attracted to others. For now, though, we will be talking about gender identity.
Below is a Q and A about the topics related to gender identity.
What is sex?
Sex refers to the gender someone is assigned at birth, usually a penis for men, and a vagina for women. Someone who identifies with their gender assigned at birth is referred to as cisgender.
What is gender?
Gender refers to how one experiences and expresses attributes associated with being a man or a woman. The gender binary is the classification of gender into two distinct, opposite and disconnected forms of masculine and feminine (exclusively male or female). Modern theories of gender reject the gender binary and see gender as a spectrum, not a fixed binary of male and female. This allows for more freedom and fluidity when thinking about gender.
What does it mean to be transgender?
Transgender people are those whose gender identity is different from the gender they were thought to be at birth. “Trans” is often used as shorthand for transgender.
When we’re born, a doctor usually says that we’re male or female based on our genitalia. Most people who are labeled male at birth turn out to identify as men, and most people who are labeled female at birth turn out to identify as a woman. But some people’s gender identity (their innate knowledge of who they are) is different from what was initially expected when they were born. Most of these people describe themselves as transgender.
For example, a transgender woman lives as a woman today, but was thought to be a male when she was born. A transgender man lives as a man today, but was thought to be a female when he was born. Some transgender people identify as neither male or female, or a combination of both. These people may describe themselves as non-binary, or genderqueer.
Furthermore, everyone—transgender or not—has a gender identity. Most people don’t think about their gender identity, however, because it matches their sex at birth.
The best way to understand what being transgender is like is to speak with transgender people and listen to their stories.
How does someone know they’re transgender?
Realizing one is transgender is different for each person. Some people “just knew” at an early age, while others may have come to realize it over years. Recognizing who they are and deciding to start thinking about their gender can take a lot of reflection. Because transgender people are often discriminated against, harassed and made to feel unsafe, it may take many years, and a lot of courage, to open up about their gender identity.
What’s the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity?
In our next blog, we will dive into the many different sexual orientations, which can be defined as who one is attracted to. Gender identity is separate from sexual orientation. Gender identity refers to your internal knowledge of your own gender, such as the knowledge that you’re a man, woman or other gender. Like non-transgender people, transgender people can have any sexual orientation. For example, a transgender man may be primarily attracted to other men (and identify as a gay man); may be primarily attracted to women (and identify as a straight man); or have any other sexual orientation.
What’s the difference between being transgender and being intersex?
Intersex people have a reproductive anatomy or genes that don’t fit typical definitions of male or female, which is often discovered at birth. Being transgender, meanwhile, has to do with your internal knowledge of your gender identity. While it’s possible to be both transgender and intersex, most transgender people aren’t intersex, and most intersex people aren’t transgender.
What is the difference between being transgender and being gender non-conforming?
Being gender non-conforming means not conforming to gender stereotypes. For example, someone’s hair, clothes and hobbies might be more “feminine” or “masculine” than what’s stereotypically associated with their gender. Gender non-conforming people may or may not be transgender. For example, someone who identifies as a woman may have short hair, which may be considered masculine to some.
What does it mean to have a gender that’s not male or female?
Most transgender people are men or women. But some people don’t neatly fit into the categories of man or woman. For example, some people may have a gender that blends the elements of being a man or a woman, or a gender that is different than either male or female. Some people don’t identify with a gender. Some people’s gender fluctuates over time. People whose gender is not male or female may use different terms to describe themselves. One of those terms is non-binary, which is used because the gender binary refers to the two categories of male and female. Others may use the terms genderqueer or genderfluid. If you don’t know what term someone uses to describe their gender, you should ask them politely.
Why don’t transgender people get counseling to accept the gender they were assigned at birth?
Counseling aimed at changing someone’s gender identity, sometimes known as conversion therapy, doesn’t work and can be extremely harmful. Telling someone that a core part of who they are is wrong or delusional and forcing them to change is dangerous, sometimes leading to depression, self-harm, substance abuse and even suicide. However, many transgender people find it helpful to get counseling to help them decide when and how to tell the world they are transgender.
What does “gender transition” mean?
Transitioning is the time period during which a person begins to live according to their gender identity, rather than the gender they were thought to be at birth. This may include changing clothing, appearance, name or the pronoun people use to refer to you (like she, he or they). This also may include legally changing their name on their driver’s licenses, passports or other documents. Some people undergo hormone therapy or other medical procedures to change their physical characteristics as well. Transitioning can help many transgender people lead healthy, fulfilling lives. No specific steps are necessary to “complete” transition; it’s different for each person. Furthermore, all transgender people are entitled to the same dignity and respect, regardless of which transitioning steps they have taken.
What medical treatments do some transgender people seek when transitioning?
Some, but not all, transgender people undergo medical treatments. Some of these treatments include hair growth or removal procedures, hormone therapy and various surgeries to make one’s face, chest and anatomy more in line with one’s gender identity.
What is gender dysphoria?
For some transgender people, the difference between the gender they are thought to be at birth and the gender they know themselves to be can lead to serious emotional distress that can negatively impact their health and everyday lives. Gender dysphoria is the medical diagnosis for someone who experiences this distress.
Why is transgender equality important?
Transgender people should be treated with the same respect as anyone else, and be able to live, and be respected, according to their gender identity. However, there are many ways that transgender people are discriminated against, including violence and harassment. Some examples of discrimination that transgender people may face include:
Being fired from or denied a job
Facing harassment and bullying at school
Becoming homeless or living in poverty
Being denied housing, shelter and critical medical care
Being incarcerated or targeted by law enforcement
Facing abuse and violence
Bridging the gap between you as a parent and your child whose gender is unclear may be frustrating and difficult. However, there are many resources online and in person to help you to further understand. When in doubt, ask questions, use resources and be respectful. Listen to the stories of transgender people, and try to be inclusive as much as possible.
How to be a transgender ally:
Do:
Politely ask what pronouns and name a person prefers when referring to them. “What would you prefer to be called?” “What pronouns do you use?”
Respect the rights of transgender people to define themselves.
Ask questions respectfully; understand it takes a lot of energy and courage to answer such questions, and that they are justified in not answering any questions that may make them uncomfortable.
Challenge gender assumptions and transphobia whenever possible.
Incorporate transgender issues and individuals into your conversations at work by using trans-friendly language, such as he, she or they.
View transgender as a positive identity rather than a tragic or confused situation
DON’T
“Out” a trans person without their expressed permission.
Assume an individual’s sex or gender based on their appearance.
Ask transgender people about their body, genitalia or sex lives in any situation in which you would not ask a cisgender person about their body, genitalia or sex life.
Place labels on individuals; mirror their language and self-identification instead.
More terms to consider
Trans: an abbreviation of the word transgender. Often used to describe a transgender person.
Transexual: identifies psychologically as a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth. They often wish to transform their bodies hormonally/surgically to match their inner sense of gender.
Medical Transition: may include hormone therapy, sex reassignment surgery.
Queen: may refer to a drag queen or an effeminate gay man. Usually reserved for self-identification.
Sex Change: referring to a sex-change operation inaccurately suggests that a person must have surgery in order to transition.
Tranny, She-male, he/she, it: these words dehumanize transgender people and should never be used.
On Sunday, July 14, President Trump tweeted that four Democratic lawmakers, all women of color, should “go back” to where they came from. When I first read his tweet, it brought me back to my childhood. My family had just moved from a predominantly Jewish neighborhood in Newark, N.J., to a nearby suburb called Maplewood.
My grandparents were all Eastern European immigrants from Poland and Russia who fled persecution and settled in Newark to raise their families in the 1920s and 30s.
I wasn’t familiar with the suburbs. In Newark, everything was concrete. We lived in a flat. My friends and I played on the sidewalks and in the streets. I don’t remember seeing much green. No front lawns, few trees and maybe a small patch of grass in the back.
In Newark, the stores were just around the corner. I could walk anywhere: to the grocery, bakery, hot dog joint, candy store and luncheonette. In the suburbs wheels were needed to get most anywhere.
We left Newark in the summer of 1961, so that my younger brother and I could begin the year at our new school. I started to make a few new friends. We played close to home, often in someone’s backyard or driveway, especially if they had a basketball hoop. Or, we rode our bikes to the schoolyard or park.
As fall came, the leaves blanketed front yards. Everyone raked the leaves into the street and burned them. Fire in the street and the smell of burning leaves was something new to me and now an indelible memory.
Another memory is a day during my first winter in Maplewood when it snowed so much that school was canceled. My brother and I were up early in the morning and we went out to play in the snow. Snowball fights were a staple for boys in those days.
When I threw a snowball at a neighbor who was about my age, it must have stung because he ran into his house. The next thing I knew, his mother stepped outside and hollered at us, “Why don’t you go back to Prince Street!”
I didn’t know what she was talking about except I could tell from her red face and the sound of her voice that she was angry and didn’t want us around.
We went home and I asked my mom, “What is Prince Street?” She said, “Why are you asking me that?” I said, “The lady a few houses down told us we should go back there.” My mother was wearing a bathrobe and slippers. There was snow on ground but she stormed out of the house, walked two houses down, and started banging on that neighbor’s front door and screaming. She was enraged.
The neighbor lady never came out of her house. I didn’t understand what was going on.
When my mother returned, I asked her why she was so mad. I couldn’t quite make out what she was saying. I let it go, but the memory never left me.
Years later when the incident came to mind, I did a little research and discovered that Prince Street was Newark’s version of New York City’s Lower East Side, where a concentrated immigrant Jewish population of Eastern European descent resided in cold-water tenements. According to Newark historian Nat Bodian, “Yiddish was the primary language heard on the street. Pushcarts lined the curbs on both sides of the street.”
Despite one morning of unpleasantness as time went by our families resumed cordial relations. Although now understanding where my neighbor was coming from, I have since forgiven her.
If only the animus in our nation could be so easily remedied. If only, the president’s tweet was just a fleeting expression of anger, as offensive as it was, as opposed to further evidence of a deeply entrenched pattern of racial intolerance that is becoming normalized in the U.S.
All people of good conscience on both sides of the political battleground must transcend their partisan interests long enough to stand up and speak out against such expressions.
Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families, including support for pregnant and parenting teens and their babies. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
The summer season is upon us, with BBQs, beaches and fun events of all kinds in full swing. Whether your children are spending time in the water, playing sports, or on the playground, their wellbeing is always at the top of your list!
Water safety is especially important for infants, including time spent in pools or in open water such as oceans and lakes. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, three children die every day as a result of drowning. In fact, drowning kills more children ages 1-4 than anything except birth defects.
The good news: There are many steps you and your family can take to stay safe in the water. Water Safety for Kids:
Take a friend with you in the water
Know your limits
Only swim where an adult is watching you
Wear a life jacket on open water
Keep an eye on the weather; get out immediately is you hear thunder
Don’t float where you can’t swim
Do not run or push near the water
Never face your back to waves in the ocean
Water Safety for Adults:
Always supervise children that are in or around water
Teach kids to swim
Install a four-sided fence around home pools
Learn the basics of CPR
Don’t allow your kids to swim in the ocean if no lifeguard is on duty
Tell your children to swim parallel to the shore if they are caught in a rip current or undertow
It’s important to note that water safety isn’t just about keeping kids out of danger at the beach or pool. Bathtub safety is equally important, especially for little ones. Babies (under age 1) most often drown in bathtubs, buckets and even toilets, so never leave them alone, even for a minute. Always apply non-stick pads or a mat to the bathtub, and put a rubber cover or washcloth over the faucet to prevent injuries if your child bumps into it.
Have a happy and safe summer!
Beat the Heat
Warm weather is nice for most outdoor activities, but too much heat can become dangerous, especially for young kids. Heat-related illness may occur if one participates in strenuous activity in very hot weather. Below are some tips to keep children safe when it’s hot. Never leave children or pets in a parked car even with the windows down Dress infants in loose, lightweight, bright-colored clothing Schedule outdoor activities for the morning or evening Apply sunscreen whenever you and your child go outside Summer is tick season: check yourself and your children after being outside.
Audrey Shine has excelled during her time at Plainview-Old Bethpage High School, but she has also done great work away from school. One of the best examples of this is the valedictorian’s work at the nonprofit Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court in Westbury, which has been run by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center for about a decade.
“Over the summer, I got a phone call from a friend saying they were short on volunteers at the family court and needed a hand,” said Shine. “At the same time, I was simultaneously interning at a law office. When she said family court, I associated that with my current job and said that I was interested because it was right up my alley.”
Upon arriving at the center, Shine was expecting to deal with a lot of paper work and documents, as she did working in a secretarial role at the law firm. However, she realized that her friend left out the detail that she would be working at the children’s center in the court, working with and taking care of children, aged 6 weeks to 12 years, who have been dropped off by their parents, who are heading to a court session.
“I was expecting to be searching for matching audio files rather than searching for something far more elusive like a lifeboat or a Barbie doll,” said Shine. “After a day of working with the children, I knew I made the right choice, so I decided to stay.”
“She was great with them,” said Joan Antonik, one of the supervisors who runs the center and worked closely with Shine. “She organized us a little bit. She was a very well-organized volunteer. She was wonderful with the children and with other high school volunteers. She was a go-getter. When we get a good [volunteer], we don’t want to let them go.”
Shine learned the stories about the children and how most of them came from lower-income minority families who are fighting legal battles right down the hall.
“While the child is there, they are not focused on what’s happening with the parents,” said Dr. Nellie Taylor-Walthrust, who is in charge of the Children’s Center program. “They are engaged in children’s play. They are supervised by professionally trained staff and its a fun place for the children to be.”
Despite the intimidating setting of the court, spending more time with the children made Shine not want to leave. Then, another opportunity to help the children came when she saw that each child could go home with a book.
“Every child that comes to the center can go home with a book of their choice,” said Taylor-Walthrust.
“We encourage the parents to read to their child and, if the child is able to read, to engage them to read.”
“I asked the supervisors at the center how they were getting these books,” said Shine. “They said they relied entirely on donations. I thought that wasn’t a very stable system. God forbid the donations stop pouring in.”
As an immigrant, Shine did not have a full grasp on English growing up. Through books, she was able to better understand the language. Literacy means a lot to her, so it was at that moment that Shine decided she wanted to make a difference by starting a book drive for the center.
“By providing these underprivileged children with the same resources I had growing up, I am confident they can learn to appreciate reading as much as I do,” said Shine.
“She just took it upon herself to go out and get these books,” said Antonik. “I don’t even know where she got them from.”
She began picking up books from friends and strangers around the area, driving around to pick these books up. Some local residents had entire boxes of books that they were no longer going to use.
“Some people only had a single book to spare but that didn’t matter to me because every book was equally valuable,” said Shine. “These books were lightly-used and ranged from picture books to chapter books, which fit the age range of the children who attended the center.”
She ran the first book drive in the fall of 2018, coming away with more than 200 books. Despite a very successful drive, Shine wanted to keep going to continue helping the children center. This past spring, she ran her second book drive, this time partnering with the Plainview-Old Bethpage Public Library.
“They cycle books every season so there’s a lot of books that are no longer in circulation that are set aside and collect dust,” said Shine. “They said it would be wonderful if this was for charitable purposes so I thought it was perfect.”
With the new partnership, Shine collected more than 300 books for the children’s center, putting the total at more than 500 books collected at both drives. But she isn’t done yet as Shine is now in the midst of her summer book drive, the final drive that she will be running before heading to Harvard University in the fall.
“I don’t want this drive to die when I leave so I am passing the torch down to one of my friends,” said Shine. “For this last book drive, I am running it as a collective with underclassman at my high school and hopefully this is something they can continue for years to come.”
The children center does more than just give out books. They also give out backpacks, strollers, school supplies and many other things to help families who are dealing with legal struggles take care of their children. With only two staff members running the center and lots of volunteers, Antonik tries her best to make the center the best environment possible.
“[The children] see a lot of negative things, so we try to be positive and let them have fun,” said Antonik. “There’s a lot of stress in their lives at such a young age. We’re here for paternity, custody, visitation and support so the parents are constantly fighting. We’re really here to be comforting to [the children] and every day we want a child walking out of here with a better experience.”
If you are interested in donating or volunteering your time at the children’s center, call 516-493-4005. For more information on the program, visit www.northshorechild-guidance.org.
Krevat Cup winner Troy Slade (middle) with Guidance Center staff and supporters. (Photo courtesy of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center)
North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center, a nonprofit children’s mental health agency on Long Island, hosted a fundraising event at the 23rd annual Jonathan Krevat Memorial Golf & Tennis Classic.
The event, which was held on June 3, at the North Hempstead Country Club in Port Washington, raised $140,000 to support the Guidance Center’s work to bring hope and healing to children and families dealing with mental health or substance use challenges. This year, the event honored the staff of mental health professionals at the Guidance Center.
“As they say, it takes a village and the people who are at the heart of our work healing children and families are an incredible team,” said Andrew Malekoff, executive director of the Guidance Center. “Whether they are social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, family advocates or others, they are devoted to providing the most compassionate care for every child, teen or family member who walks through our doors.”
This year’s speaker was Jennifer Pearlman, a licensed mental health counselor at the Guidance Center received her B.A. in psychology from Queens College and her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling from Brooklyn College. Pearlman shared the inspiring story of one of her young clients who came to her depressed and anxious, but after completing treatment told her, “Miss Jen, you gave me my life back.”
Pearlman described her experience as a social worker as “being there for people in their most vulnerable and desperate times in their life. It is supporting people through crisis. It is empowering people to become their best selves. It is teaching skills and helping people access their inner strength, even when they don’t feel they have it. It is being a safe space for people to share their most intimate thoughts and fears.”
The co-chairs for this year’s Krevat Cup were Michael Schnepper and board members Michael Mondiello and Troy Slade. In addition, Dan Donnelly, who was the emcee and board member, Andrew Marcell shared the auctioneer’s block.
“It’s all about the kids,” said Donnelly, a longtime supporter of the Guidance Center. “I consider it a privilege to be here today to help raise money to support the incredible work that truly makes a difference in the lives of children and their families.”
— Submitted By North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center
When Emily (not her real name) first came to North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, she was experiencing anxiety and depression that was largely caused by her fear of coming out to her family.
Her fears weren’t unfounded. “Her parents were very disapproving and would not accept their daughter’s bisexuality,” explains Elissa Smilowitz, LCSWR and Coordinator of Triage & Emergency Services at the Guidance Center. “It was devastating to Emily, as it is to any youth who experiences that kind of rejection.”
Emily and her parents had individual and family counseling at the Guidance Center, and, though it took some time, her parents came to understand that their daughter needed their love and support, not their condemnation. Their relationship is now solid, and Emily knows she can be herself with her family without risking judgment.
According to Smilowitz, the Guidance Center has seen a significant increase of young people who either identify as LGBTQ or who are questioning their sexuality.
“Kids who are 12 or 13 are at a time in their lives when they are discovering who they are, and for some, that brings up issues surrounding their sexual preferences,” she says. “They are discovering who they are in so many ways.”
While it’s a normal phase, some parents have a very hard time with it, but if they act upset or angry, it can be very detrimental to their children’s mental health, she says. Rejection leads to serious issues such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse and even suicidal thinking or actions.
The best response to this questioning phase is clear: Express unconditional love and acceptance. “Whether or not an adolescent ends up identify as LGBTQ or not doesn’t change the fact that parents need to be calm and supportive,” says Smilowitz. “Tell them you will love them the same no matter what.”For help with these and other issues, contact the Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971. Another great resource on Long Island is The LGBT Network, an association of non-profit organizations working to serve the LGBT community of Long Island and Queens throughout their lifespan. It includes a group specifically for young people, called the Long Island Gay and Lesbian Youth (LIGALY).
According to the Human Rights Campaign’s report, Growing Up LGBT in America, a survey of more than 10,000 LGBT-identified youth ages 13-17:
4 in 10 say the community in which they live is not accepting of LGBT people.
They are twice as likely as their peers to say they have been physically assaulted, kicked or shoved.
26% say their biggest problems are not feeling accepted by their family; trouble at school/bullying; and fear to be out/open.
Over one-half (54%) say they have been verbally harassed and called names involving anti-gay slurs.
Among non-LGBT youth, 67% report being happy while only 37% of LGBT youth say they are happy.
LGBT youth are more than twice as likely as non-LGBT youth to experiment with alcohol and drugs.
92% say they hear negative messages about being LGBT. The top sources are school, the Internet and their peers.
Krevat Cup winner Troy Slade with Guidance Center staff and supporters
North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center once again hosted a joyful fundraising event filled with golf, tennis and an extraordinary dinner program at their 23rd annual Jonathan Krevat Memorial Golf & Tennis Classic.
The event, which was held on June 3 at the beautiful North Hempstead Country Club in Port Washington, raised $140,000 to support the Guidance Center’s work to bring hope and healing to children and families dealing with mental health or substance use challenges.
This year, the event honored the amazing staff of mental health professionals at the Guidance Center. “As they say, it takes a village, and the people who are at the heart of our work healing children and families are an incredible team,” said Andrew Malekoff, executive director of the Guidance Center. “Whether they are social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, family advocates or others, they are devoted to providing the most compassionate care for every child, teen or family member who walks through our doors.”
This year’s speaker was Jennifer Pearlman, a licensed mental health counselor at the Guidance Center who received her B.A. in psychology from Queens College and her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling from Brooklyn College. Pearlman shared the inspiring story of one of her young clients who came to her depressed and anxious, but after completing treatment told her, “Miss Jen, you gave me my life back.”
Pearlman described her experience as a social worker as “being there for people in their most vulnerable and desperate times in their life. It is supporting people through crisis. It is empowering people to become their best selves. It is teaching skills and helping people access their inner strength, even when they don’t feel they have it. It is being a safe space for people to share their most intimate thoughts and fears. And it is giving permission for people to express their emotions without fear of judgment.”
Once again, the co-chairs for this year’s Krevat Cup were Michael Schnepper and board members Michael Mondiello and Troy Slade. In addition, Dan Donnelly, who was the outstanding emcee, and board member Andrew Marcell shared the auctioneer’s block.
“It’s all about the kids,” said Donnelly, a longtime supporter of the Guidance Center. “I consider it a privilege to be here today to help raise money to support the incredible work that truly makes a difference in the lives of children and their families.”
Event raises $140,000 to support children’s mental health agency
Roslyn Heights, NY, June 6, 2019—North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, the preeminent not-for-profit children’s mental health agency on Long Island, once again hosted a joyful fundraising event filled with golf, tennis and an extraordinary dinner program at our 23rd annual Jonathan Krevat Memorial Golf & Tennis Classic. The event, which was held on June 3, 2019 at the beautiful North Hempstead Country Club in Port Washington, raised $140,000 to support the Guidance Center’s work to bring hope and healing to children and families dealing with mental health or substance use challenges.
This year, the event honored the amazing staff of mental health professionals at the Guidance Center. “As they say, it takes a village, and the people who are at the heart of our work healing children and families are an incredible team,” said Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of the Guidance Center. “Whether they are social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, family advocates or others, they are devoted to providing the most compassionate care for every child, teen or family member who walks through our doors.”
This year’s speaker was Jennifer Pearlman, a licensed mental health counselor at the Guidance Center who received her B.A. in psychology from Queens College and her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling from Brooklyn College. Pearlman shared the inspiring story of one of her young clients who came to her depressed and anxious, but after completing treatment told her, “Miss Jen, you gave me my life back.”
Pearlman described her experience as a social worker as “being there for people in their most vulnerable and desperate times in their life. It is supporting people through crisis. It is empowering people to become their best selves. It is teaching skills and helping people access their inner strength, even when they don’t feel they have it. It is being a safe space for people to share their most intimate thoughts and fears. And it is giving permission for people to express their emotions without fear of judgment.”
Once again, the co-chairs for this year’s Krevat Cup were Michael Schnepper and Board Members Michael Mondiello and Troy Slade. In addition, Dan Donnelly, who was the outstanding emcee, and Board Member Andrew Marcell shared the auctioneer’s block. “It’s all about the kids,” said Donnelly, a longtime supporter of the Guidance Center. “I consider it a privilege to be here today to help raise money to support the incredible work that truly makes a difference in the lives of children and their families.”
About Us:
As the preeminent not-for-profit children’s mental health agency on Long Island, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is dedicated to restoring and strengthening the emotional well-being of children (from birth – age 24) and their families. Our highly trained staff of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, vocational rehabilitation counselors and other mental health professionals lead the way in diagnosis, treatment, prevention, training, parent education, research and advocacy. The Guidance Center helps children and families address issues such as depression and anxiety; developmental delays; bullying; teen pregnancy; sexual abuse; teen drug and alcohol abuse; trauma; and family crises stemming from illness, death and divorce. For more than 65 years, the Guidance Center has been a place of hope and healing, providing innovative and compassionate treatment to all who enter our doors, regardless of their ability to pay. For more information about the Guidance Center, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or call (516) 626-1971.
Just the other day I was reminded that May marks the anniversary of one of the saddest trending tweets in Twitter history. The reminder was a photo posted on Instagram of a girl holding a cardboard sign. The girl looked to be 13 or 14 years old. The sign read: If I die in a school shooting, leave my body on the steps of Congress.
#IfIDieInASchoolShooting was first tweeted a year ago, after 22 school shootings up to that point in 2018. Number 22 happened at Santa Fe High School in Texas on May 18, 2018, just a few months after the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL, when a gunman killed 17 students and staff members and injured 17 others.
At Santa Fe, 10 people—eight students and two teachers—were fatally shot. Thirteen more were wounded.
As we mark the first anniversary of #IfIDieInASchoolShooting, the “statistics” have climbed. Eight school shootings have taken place on high school or college campuses in 2019 through the month of May. So far.
In a piece on the trending hashtag written by India Pougher for ELLE Magazine four days after the Santa Fe shooting, she wrote, “Students began tweeting…and sharing the things they would miss out on if their lives were taken too soon. The answers range from leaving their loved ones behind to never graduating college and never getting married.” Here are some of the tweets:
Please make school shootings die with me — @madhavids
#IfIDieInASchoolShooting don't release pictures of my smiling face. release pictures of my bloody dead corpse to show what school shootings really are. politicize my death
Don’t release pictures of my smiling face. Release pictures of my bloody dead corpse to show what school shootings really are. Politicize my death — @hmc823
#IfIdieInASchoolShooting then I’ll never get to publish my book, celebrate my sweet 16, get married, or see my children grow to be wonderful people.
Protect my little sister so she can stop “learning to hide from the bad guy” — @robinisme16
#IfIDieInASchoolShooting My 8 younger siblings will have to grow up without their oldest sister, i’ll never graduate high school or college, i’ll never get to work in dc like i’ve wanted to since i was young, i’ll never get to create change
— jaxon // great mills strong (@jaxonomara) May 20, 2018
My 8 younger siblings will have to grow up without their oldest sister, i’ll never graduate high school or college, i’ll never get to work in dc like i’ve wanted to since i was young, i’ll never get to create change — @jaxonomara
#IfIDieInASchoolShooting My dogs would be left wondering why I never came home. My internet friends would be clueless I wouldn’t achieve my dream If I die in a school-shooting the government won’t do anything to prevent another
My dogs would be left wondering why I never came home. My internet friends would be clueless. I wouldn’t achieve my dream. If I die in a school-shooting the government won’t do anything to prevent another — @TAKENBYDEMA
#IfIDieInASchoolShooting I will never become a nurse and fulfill my dream of helping children, teenagers, and young adults. My passion for wanting to save lives will die with me.
I will never become a nurse and fulfill my dream of helping children, teenagers, and young adults. My passion for wanting to save lives will die with me — @beachwonders
One adult saved me the trouble of writing a conclusion, when he tweeted:
— Steven Beschloss (@StevenBeschloss) May 22, 2018
If I Die In A School Shooting is the saddest hashtag I’ve ever read — @StevenBeschloss
Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or call 516-626-1971.
NEW YORK (1010 WINS) — The World Health Organization will list video gaming as a behavioral addiction for the first time.
An official vote by the World Health Organization was made for the latest edition of its International Classification of Diseases, or ICD, to include an entry on “gaming disorder” as a behavioral addiction.
According to WHO, in roder for gaming disorder to be diagnosed, “the behavior pattern must be of sufficient severity to result in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning and would normally have been evident for at least 12 months.”
“Similar to other addictions, like with drugs or alcohol, a lot of time is spent thinking about ‘When is the next game,” Andrew Malekoff of North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center told CBS2.
NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) – Popular, controversial, and now – according to the World Health Organization – video games have just been recognized as a behavioral addiction.
According to Pew research, 97 percent of teen boys and 83 percent of girls play games on some kind of device. Now, videogaming is an internationally recognized addiction, according to the WHO.
Andrew Malekoff of North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center told CBS2’s Jennifer McLogan the International Classification of Diseases now includes an entry on “gaming disorder” as a behavioral addiction.
“Similar to other addictions, like with drugs or alcohol, a lot of time is spent thinking about ‘When is the next game,’” Malekoff said.
Studies show those vulnerable are unable to stop playing, even when it interferes with their lives.
Some experts suggest rather that going cold turkey on technology, focus on reduction. Keep devices out of the bedroom, make sure young people go to school, spend time with friends, and play outdoors, McLogan reported.
Not everyone is caught in a gaming web. The New York Institute of Technology is one college in our area that offers students a major in game design and development.
“There’s a lot companies looking for engineers, computer science engineers, to code their websites to stay ahead of the esports curve,” said Elieser Duran, head coach of e-sports at NYIT. “Here at NYIT, making sure all pieces are in place, so the moment they graduate they can get a job in the industry that is flourishing right now.’
Rep. Peter King says gaming is a legitimate issue to explore.
“I think its important to have hearings on it, to see if there is a role for legislation, to educate the public, get it out there, bring in the experts,” King said.
He says putting down devices more often is a good start.
Doctors say until the U.S. psychiatric profession agrees with the World Health Organization that gaming addiction is an official diagnosis, it will be difficult to bill insurers for treatment.
Does spending time outdoors as a child improve mental health as an adult? According to a new European study published in the International Journal of Environmental Health Research, exposure to nature—or what the researcher calls NOEs, for natural outdoor environments—does, indeed, lead to better mental health for youngsters as they grow into their adult years.
The study found that, “Compared to high levels of childhood NOE exposure, low levels of childhood NOE exposure were significantly associated with lower mental health scores in adulthood.”
For several years, the Guidance Center has been not only touting the benefits of nature for children’s mental health, but also incorporating experiences in nature into our therapeutic methods.
Case in point: Our two organic gardens—one at our headquarters in Roslyn Heights and the other at our Marks Family Right From the Start 0-3+ Center in Manhasset—where we see children blossom as they learn important skills such as self-confidence, focus, cooperation and responsibility.
“One of the most critical things for kids we work with is to help them build a sense of belonging, mastery and competence,” says Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of the Guidance Center. “Working in a garden helps children develop self-esteem as they witness what their hard work and dedication can create, and it’s also a way for them to connect with other kids.”
The Guidance Center also has a “Nature Nursery” at our Right From the Start Center, where our youngest clients use all their senses as they play in a sandbox, touch the leaves and pine cones, produce musical sounds on percussive instruments, draw on a chalkboard or paint on an outdoor “canvas.”
The various textures, sounds, smells and sights in the Nature Nursery help children explore their creative sides, share their feelings and learn skills to help them calm down when they are feeling upset or agitated.
Our teen clients reap the benefits of nature through our Wilderness Respite Program, in which they go on hikes to various natural settings and develop important traits such as individual growth, leadership, self-esteem, social bonds and improved communication.
With spring in full bloom, do your kids—and yourself—a favor: Unplug and explore some of Long Island’s fabulous parks, beaches, gardens and playgrounds. These are experiences they’ll remember long after the latest computer gadget is in the junk pile.
For many generations, popular music has played a significant role in the lives of young people. Although it seems quaint now, the uproar over Elvis and his gyrating pelvis or the Beatles and their long hair was a real source of contention among the youth of the 1960s and their parents. But in that same generation, music played a central role in important events like the anti-war movement and the struggle for Civil Rights.
Fast forward several decades to today, and the least of a parent’s concern is long hair or seductive dancing (though “twerking” isn’t something you want to see your kids doing). From pop music to hip hop to heavy metal to RAP, some lyrics have gone far beyond being merely suggestive to downright graphic in nature. Some feature violent images, misogynistic lyrics and the promotion of drug use, with many songs talking about getting high. Others encourage suicide.
One popular band, Pierce the Veil, says the following in its song “Dive In.”
Do you remember the knife I kept? The sharper it got, the more you wanted me to use it I was lying to you, but you were lying too So what’s left to do? What’s left to say? Stop making friends, just us I’ll decompose with you So light the fuse inside your brain and We will detonate
In his song “So Much Better,” Eminen raps, “I got 99 problems and a b*tch ain’t one / She’s all 99 of ’em; I need a machine gun.”
And those are just two examples (and hardly the most disturbing). Plus, the content of videos can be even worse.
Professor Katrina Skewes McFerran, Head of Music Therapy, Melbourne Conservatorium of Music, University of Melbourne, makes the point that kids aren’t passive recipients of music; they are “active agents” when it comes to their interactions with music.
“Most healthy young people will naturally use music in really positive ways – to explore different aspects of their identity, to have a great time, to motivate them to exercise, to distract them from problems, to cover up outside noises so they can focus on homework,” she says. “But if young people are feeling bad, they’re more inclined to use music to deepen in to dark feelings. This can be great for validation and helping them feel understood—but sometimes it goes wrong, and it actually intensifies negative feelings.”
Brooke Hambrecht, LMSW at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, says she often talks with her clients and their parents about how the music we listen to impacts our mood. “Sometimes teenagers who are down and depressed choose to listen to sad or negative music, which brings their low even further down,” she explains. “Also, kids who are feeling angry and enraged often choose to listen to a song that intensifies their rage.”
Although listening to music is a coping skill, Hambrecht encourages her clients to choose the right kind of music in order for it to be an adaptive coping skill. “Something I talk about is mindful song selecting, or picking music that can bring their mood to a better place—the place they want to be instead of the negative place that they are,” she says.
Here are a few tips to help you talk to your kids about music:
Encourage your child’s love of music—it can be a powerful emotional and creative force in their lives.
Suggest your kids create a “good mood” playlist of songs that make them happy.
Start talking about music with your child from a very young age rather than just when they become tweens or teens. The lessons you teach them when they are young will impact their future choices.
Do keep an “ear” out for the lyrics in the music they are listening to, and if it contains messages that you deem unacceptable, discuss it with them rather than just telling them to stop listening it or criticizing it.
The takeaway: Let the lyrics that you find offensive or worrisome open a conversation about the fact that drugs, alcohol, violence and suicide are not subjects that should be glamorized.
