When my best friend’s son was about two years old, he walked over to his great-grandmother’s caretaker and gently touched her skin. “Why is your skin so dark?” asked the young boy, who is Caucasian. “I’m from Haiti,” answered the woman, “and most people there look like me.”
My friend cringed, uncertain of what was coming next from her son’s mouth.
“Oh,” he said. “I like it! It’s very pretty!”
Not all such occasions go so smoothly. What the situation makes clear, however, is that children notice differences. As parents, we may be wary of discussing with our kids how people may be various colors, or religions, or sexual orientations, or any number of possible “differences.” But ignoring the subject is more apt to create bias.
In today’s world, with the rise in anti-Semitism, white nationalism and other forms of discrimination, it’s more important than ever to talk with our children about diversity and how it makes our world a better place.
How can you talk to your children about diversity and discrimination? Here are some guidelines from the American Psychological Association.
Don’t expect to have “the talk” about discrimination. It shouldn’t be one conversation. Rather, let the discussion be open and ongoing.
Parents often avoid talking about hard subjects (including sex, underage drinking and discrimination) because they’re personally uncomfortable. Keep talking anyway. The discussions get easier over time.
Use age-appropriate language children can understand, and don’t give kids too much information at once. The conversation will get deeper and more nuanced as they get older.
Learn to respond to children’s questions about differences and bias as they come up naturally. Help children feel that their questions are welcome, or they might come to believe that discussing differences is taboo.
Help children understand the value of diversity. A diverse set of experiences and viewpoints boosts creativity and helps kids (and adults) better understand the world around them. On the other hand, discrimination hurts everyone – not just the targets of discrimination. When people are discriminated against, we can miss an important opportunity to learn from them.
Take opportunities to raise discussions based on what you see around you – in real life, books, television shows and even video games. You might ask: “There aren’t many female characters in this video game. What do you think of that?” or “Do you think that show accurately portrays LGBT characters, or does it rely on stereotypes?”
Help kids learn how to deal with being the potential target of discrimination. Plan ahead by developing healthy comebacks or responses to hurtful discriminatory statements. For example: “What an unkind thing to say.” “Excuse me? Could you repeat that?” “I disagree with you, and here’s why…”
If you hear children say something discriminatory, don’t just hush them. Use the opportunity as a conversation starter to address their fears and correct their misperceptions.
Challenge your own assumptions and behavior. Do you laugh at racially insensitive jokes? Do you cross the street to avoid passing people of a different ethnic group? Children learn from your actions as well as your words.
Broaden their horizons. Think about the diversity of your own friendship and parenting networks and the places where you spend time. When kids are exposed to people from diverse backgrounds, they have more opportunities to learn about others and discover what they have in common.
Have you spoken to your children about the divisive nature of our current culture? Have any tips to share with other parents? Please send us your thoughts by emailing jkern-rugile@northshorechildguidance.org.
Amidst the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, don’t forget to focus on the traditions that bring joy and comfort to you, your children and other family members.
There are several ways in which celebrating your family’s own unique traditions are beneficial to you and your children. First, holidays typically mean the coming together of family and friends with the intention of sharing loving, happy feelings and rituals.
“The holidays are a great time to help your child connect to elders in the family,” says Regina Barros-Rivera, Associate Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “If your child has a hobby or activity that they can enjoy with their grandparents, they can create long-lasting memories.”
Cooking was the activity that bonded Barros-Rivera’s son to his grandmother, and the joy born of those early experiences has lasted throughout many years. “He’s 28 today and loves to join the family in preparing special holiday meals. His memories of my mother are forever special, and the moments for her were priceless.”
Another great way to build connections with significant others in the family is through storytelling. “That’s a wonderful way of giving rooted, positive foundations for present and future relationships,” says Barros-Rivera. Consider videotaping these conversations so you can hold onto them when the storyteller is no longer with you.
Although your family may have many holiday traditions in place, here are six ideas for creating new special memories that will carry over for generations, courtesy of PBS.org:
Cook Together — Include your children in meal prep and baking for holiday gatherings. It’s a great way to have fun and teach kids about cooking and nutrition. While you’re cooking, you can practice math and reading skills—and demonstrate cool science concepts through various cooking techniques.
Make Holiday Greeting Cards and Gifts — Have your kids write holiday cards or letters to family and friends. It’s a great opportunity for children to practice their handwriting, as well as their grammar, spelling and creative writing skills. Also, making gifts at home is a way to encourage creativity.
Explore Your City — When you feel a bit of cabin fever, plan a family outing. Many local parks and zoos feature light displays and other festivities to celebrate the season. You can also visit a local museum and historic sites, or see a play at a local theater.
Play Games — Playing board and trivia games during holiday get-togethers is a good way to enjoy quality time together. Look for ideas online. There are a variety of games—for all ages—that are fun and educational as well.
Enjoy the Great Outdoors — Play with your kids in the backyard or at a local park. If it snows, build a snowman or hit the slopes! You can find fun outdoor games that promote physical activity.
Read Every Day — Take your kids to the local library and borrow books to read over the winter break. And spend time reading together; it helps children develop their literacy skills and excel academically.
Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or another holiday this time of year, everyone at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center wishes you a wonderful holiday season!
Are you anxious about hosting the perfect holiday dinner? Do you worry that your kids will be disappointed that they didn’t get the newest iPhone? Tell the truth: Is all of the pressure to be jolly making you miserable?
While the holiday season is a time for family togetherness and celebration, it can also be one of the most stressful times of the year. The notion that you’re supposed to be happy can make it even more difficult time for people of all ages, especially those who experience depression or other mental health challenges.
Below are some tips from experts at the Mayo Clinic on how to prevent stress from ruining your holidays:
Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can’t be with loved ones, realize that it’s normal to feel sadness and grief. It’s OK to take time to cry or express your feelings.
Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.
Be realistic. The holidays don’t have to be perfect. As families change and grow, traditions often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones.
Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don’t live up to all of your expectations. And be understanding if others get upset when something goes awry. Chances are they’re feeling the effects of holiday stress, too.
Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don’t try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts.
Try these alternatives:
Donate to a charity in someone’s name.
Give homemade gifts.
Start a family gift exchange.
Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can’t participate in every project or activity.
Don’t abandon healthy habits. Don’t let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt.
Try these suggestions:
Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don’t go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks.
Get plenty of sleep.
Incorporate regular physical activity into each day.
Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do.
Some options may include:
Taking a walk at night and stargazing.
Listening to soothing music.
Getting a massage.
Reading a book.
Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.
Remember: The best thing you can spend on your kids is time, so don’t stress about getting them every last thing on their wish list.
Happy holidays from all of us at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center!
With the holiday season upon us, chances are you’re spending a lot of time shopping for toys for the children in your life.
“Toys offer wonderful opportunities for children to learn and explore their surroundings,” says Dr. Sue Cohen, Director of Early Childhood and Psychological Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “They provide a great opportunity to develop motor and cognitive skills—plus, playing with your child will create lasting bonds.”
Playing with toys also sparks a child’s creativity and helps them develop emotionally, says Dr. Cohen. “When they use toys to role play, they have a chance to express their feelings, practice managing them and explore different social scenarios.”
Whether you shop online or in stores, it’s important to keep safety in mind when choosing that new board game, baseball, bike, blocks—whatever is on your list!
Each year, an estimated 217,000 children are treated at hospital emergency rooms for toy-related injuries. The majority of those injuries are incurred from riding toys such tricycles and non-powered scooters, which account for more than 40% of toy injuries to children 5 through 17 years of age.
Another big danger is choking, since children under three love to put everything in their mouths. You can guard against this danger by getting a simple small parts tester and also follow the age guidelines on the toy packages.
Following are some toy safety tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics:
Select toys to suit the age, abilities, skills and interest level of the intended child. Toys that are too advanced will frustrate your child and may pose safety hazards for younger children.
When choosing gifts for babies and toddlers, consider toys that will build developmental skills. Toys that can be manipulated, such as shape sorters, stacking blocks and baby-safe puzzles, are great for developing fine motor, cognitive and perceptual skills.
If you are considering a digital device for a child or teen, such as a tablet, smartphone or game system, think about the purpose of the device and the rules you want to set around its use. For more information, see these tips on healthy digital media and technology use.
Children can have serious health problems from swallowing button batteries or magnets. Keep them away from young children and call your health care provider immediately if your child swallows one.
To prevent burns and electrical shocks, do not give children under age 10 a toy that must be plugged into an electrical outlet. Instead, buy toys that are battery-operated.
Children can choke or suffocate on broken or uninflated balloons. Do not allow children under age 8 to play with them.
Remove tags, strings and ribbons from toys before giving them to young children. Watch for pull toys with strings that are more than 12 inches long, because they could be a strangulation hazard for babies.
Warning labels give important information about how to use a toy and what ages it is for. Be sure to show your child how to use the toy.
Parents should store toys in a designated location, such as on an open shelf or in a bin, and keep older kids’ toys away from young children. If you use a toy box, choose one with no lid or a lightweight, non-locking lid and ventilation holes.
Dr. Cohen adds, “When possible choose toys that spark imagination and creativity.”
Are you concerned about what can happen when your teen gets behind the wheel or is a passenger of a teen driver? You have good reason. Motor vehicle crashes are the number one killer of teens.
A big part of the problem: Drinking and driving. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), one in 10 high schoolers drinks and drives. They also report that high school students drive intoxicated about 2.4 million times each month. In addition, teen drivers are 17 times more likely to be involved in a fatal car crash when they have alcohol in their system as opposed to when they are sober.
The same holds true for marijuana and other drugs. A report from Liberty Mutual and SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) found that one in five teens admit driving under the influence of marijuana, and one in four say they would take a ride from a driver impaired by alcohol or prescription drugs.
These statistics paint an alarming picture. So, what is a parent to do?
Here’s some advice from the CDC:
Parents can:
Understand that most teens who drink do so to get drunk.
Recognize the dangers of teen drinking and driving and that teen drivers are at much greater risk of crashing after drinking alcohol than adult drivers.
Provide teens with a safe way to get home (such as picking them up or paying for a cab) if their driver has been drinking.
Model safe driving behavior.
Consider tools like parent-teen driving agreements to set and enforce the “rules of the road” for new drivers. Safe driving habits for teens include the following:
Never drink and drive
Wear a seat belt on every trip—and that includes everyone in the car.
Limit nighttime driving
Set a limit on the number of teen passengers
Never use a cell phone or text while driving
Obey speed limits
Teens can:
Choose to never drink and drive.
Choose a designated driver.
Refuse to ride in a car with a teen driver who has been drinking.
Follow “rules of the road” in their parent-teen driving agreement.
Wear a seat belt on every trip, no matter how short.
Obey speed limits.
Never use a cell phone or text while driving.
Call Us for Help:
If your child or teen has a substance use problem, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is here to help. For more information on our chemical dependency treatment services, call (516) 997-2926, ext. 229 or 231. To make an appointment for an assessment, call (516) 626-1971, ext. 318 or 338.
Do you think today’s kids are ungrateful? Entitled? Spoiled?
Well, in reality, that’s a complaint that adults have had since time immemorial. Young people today are probably no more or less grateful than they were a generation ago, or the generation before that, and so on.
But gratitude isn’t necessarily an inherent trait. As the classic song from South Pacific says, “You’ve got to be carefully taught.”
It’s important that we foster feelings of appreciation in children from the time they are very young. And, while saying “thank you” is a great start, there are many more ways to instill a sense of gratitude in your kids.
Here are 15 tips from Big Life Journal:
1. Say please and thank you.
Our manners show that we do not believe we are entitled to anything, and that in fact, we appreciate whatever comes our way.
2. Help someone less fortunate.
This could be your neighbor down the street, grandma or someone you know who is in a tough spot.
3. Volunteer.
Help out at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen or non-profit.
4. Look for awe-inspiring moments in your day.
If the sunset is particularly beautiful, comment on it. If the sound of the baby’s laughter warms your heart, tell your children. Encourage them to look for their awe-inspiring moments and share them with you.
5. Share your gratitude at bedtime.
Take five minutes at the end of the day to ask your child what he or she is thankful for that day.
6. Share your gratitude at the dinner table.
Take a moment at dinner time to share what you are thankful for. Go around the table, allowing each family member a chance to vocalize their gratitude.
7. Compliment others.
Encourage your children to do the same. Share the things you appreciate about another person.
8. Keep a gratitude journal.
This can be in any form that works best for your child’s age, skill level and desire. Some kids will want to spend time writing their thoughts down. Others may be more apt to express their gratitude through drawing or painting.
9. Give someone a gift.
Help your child earn the money and purchase the gift. Or make a gift together.
10. Always look for the positive.
Find something positive in frustrating situations and discuss it.
11. Practice turning complaints in to praises.
Coach your children to reword their complaint into something that they appreciate instead.
12. Create a gratitude jar.
Encourage your kids to add to it anytime they are feeling grateful for something or someone.
Nonprofits serve people in need and at this time of the year they are always looking for basic necessities, meals and gifts to give to those in need.
14. Take gratitude walks.
While you walk, look for the simple pleasures in the day, such as the warm sun or the birds singing and express appreciation for them. Use this time to ask your kids what they are grateful for.
15. Work through envy.
Help your child work through any feelings of jealousy he/she may have. Envy can come when we are not feeling thankful for what we have, and are focusing instead on what others have.
Kids are under pressure more than ever—and at an earlier age—to get into the right school, get good grades and take part in a whole host of extracurricular activities. While none of this is bad in and of itself, what may get lost in the mix is how important it is for kids to enjoy learning—and also to create lasting bonds!
“We know from experience working with young children that reading together is a powerful bonding experience for parent and child,” says Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “Think about your own childhood, and you’ll likely have warm memories of cuddling up with a book and your mom or dad.”
While it’s easy to understand that reading aloud with your children will create loving connections and will also help them develop language and literacy skills, there’s more good news: Family reading time also helps decrease behaviors such as aggression, hyperactivity and difficulty with attention, according to a study by the New York University School of Medicine.
Reading is the centerpiece at the Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court, a Guidance Center program that offers a safe and enriching environment for children ages 6 weeks to 12 years while their families are conducting court business. Each child who comes to the program leaves with a new or gently used book to bring home.
In addition, as part of our Good Beginnings for Babies program, which provides support and education to your mothers at our Leeds Place location, we emphasize the importance of early reading to our clients.
“Positive social and emotional development is a huge benefit of family reading time,” says Malekoff, adding, “Parents should begin reading to children from infancy.”
November is designated as National Family Literacy Month, but reading to your child is something to enjoy every day of the year. Here are a few tips to help this become one of your favorite family traditions:
Set aside a little time for reading every day, even if it’s only for 15 minutes.
Go through both old and new books, and set some of your favorites around the house. They make cute decorations, and maybe one of the kids will pick one up and start reading!
Take regular trips to the library.
Read your child the book version of their favorite movie. If they can read on their own, encourage them to read it!
Start a book club with friends and family.
Participate in a book drive and donate old or used books you no longer need. This will help families in need read to their kids.
Helping Our Youngest Clients
North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center welcomes the contribution of your new or gently used books to use at our Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court. To learn how to donate, contact Dr. Nellie Taylor-Walthrust, NTaylorWalthrust@northshorechildguidance.org, (516) 997-2926, ext. 229.
By Jenna Kern-Rugile, Director of Communications, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center
My daughter Maya is now 19, but the questions and puzzled looks still arise at times. When I recently took her to a new doctor, for example, he walked into the office and, in a somewhat surprised tone, asked, “Are you her mother?”
Yes, I am her mother. True, she doesn’t look like me. She arrived at JFK and in our lives on November 24, 2001 when she was 16 months old. Maya was born in Guatemala, and we are blessed that her birth mother placed her for adoption. (See “Airborne to New Motherhood” to read more.)
From the very start, strangers asked questions. At the library, one woman said, “Is she yours?” At the park, another said “Are you her real mother?”
When she was a little girl, it wasn’t uncommon for other children to ask why we didn’t look the same. I’ll never forget one day in the playground, when Maya was about three years old and a child said, “That can’t be your mom!” Maya was confused, hurt and angry.
The truth is, the vast majority of people—and especially young children—mean no harm when they say such things. As an adoptive interracial family, we grew accustomed to it; we answered most questions by simply saying, “Yes, I’m her real mother. Families are made in all different ways, and ours was made through adoption.”
Still, when Maya was young, these episodes stung. Now that she’s a young adult, the questions don’t come up as often—probably because she spends more time out with friends than with me!
Regardless, I still see and hear language surrounding adoption that ranges from the misinformed to the inherently biased. Why, for example, would a newspaper story write something like, “Jane Smith is the mother of three children and one adopted child?” when adoption has no relevance to the content?
The bottom line: Education about adoption language is always a good thing. November is National Adoption Month, and in the spirit of sharing knowledge, here are some do’s and don’ts from Healthychildren.org:
DO: Use the words “birth child” and “adopted child” only when they are relevant to the discussion; otherwise simply use “child.” DON’T: Refer to a child born to his parents as the parents’ “real child,” “own child,” or “natural child.” A child who was adopted is very real and not at all unnatural; she is very much her parents’ “own child.”
DO: Use the words “birth parents” or “biologic parents” only when asking about them is relevant. DON’T: Refer to the child’s birth parents as his “real parents” or “natural parents.” Adoptive parents are very real and natural.
DO: Treat siblings who joined families by birth or adoption equally. They are loved equally by their parents and experience all of the joys and trials of any sibling relationship. DON’T: Distinguish between children who were adopted into the family and children who were born into the family unless it’s relevant.
DO: Describe birth parents as choosing “to make an adoption plan for the child” or “to place the child for adoption.” DON’T: Refer to a child as being “put up” or “given up” for adoption. Most birth parents have thought long and hard about their decision to place a child for adoption. It is very important to a child’s self-esteem to know that her birth parents loved her and worked hard to reach a decision that they felt to be in her best interest.
DO: Recognize that families come in all shapes and sizes. Some families may have a single adoptive parent or permanent legal guardian and no other legal parent. Others families have same-sex parents. DON’T: Assume that the child has two opposite-sex parents.
DO: Recognize that a child understands adoption gradually as she grows, just as with all other developmental tasks. DON’T: Ask, “Are you going to tell your son that he’s adopted?” Adoptive parents are encouraged to talk freely and honestly about adoption from the time their child is very young so that there is never a time in the child’s life when this information comes as shocking news.
DO: Be sympathetic with the long and sometimes arduous path that parents have traveled to become parents. Some may be experiencing significant financial stresses after the adoption, some may still be grieving infertility losses, and some may be coping with extended family members who do not accept the new member of the family. Recognize that even though the child may not be a newborn, the adults may be new parents. Recognize that post-adoption depression exists and is similar to post-partum depression. DON’T: Ask, “How much did you pay for your daughter?” Children are not bought. Fees go to pay social workers and attorneys, to complete court and government paperwork, to cover travel, medical, foster/orphanage care, and other expenses, not to “buy children.”
Do you have advice or a story to share? Contact Jenna at jkern-rugile@northshorechildguidance.org.
North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center promises to work with children and their families from birth to age 24. Does that mean babies get therapy?
Well, not in the traditional model of sitting on a couch and talking about their “issues,” of course. But the Guidance Center does, indeed, provide help for the very youngest clients at our Marks Family Right from the Start 0-3+ Center (RFTS) in Manhasset.
All of the programs at RFTS, which include therapeutic and support services, are led by Dr. Sue Cohen, Director of Early Childhood and Psychological Services, who has been with the Guidance Center since 1991.
“This was my first job,” says Cohen, who received her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from St. John’s University. “My passion has always been working with young children, infants and their parents.”
The Guidance Center’s Early Childhood Services are very unique, Cohen says. “Most agencies don’t work with very young children. We have a family-centered approach that helps parents and children manage difficult situations.”
So, what are the types of issues that would make a parent bring in a baby or young child for treatment? Cohen explains: “We help children with a range of problems, from oppositional defiance to attention deficit disorders to learning problems and developmental delays.” Other common concerns revolve around separation issues, trauma, divorce and bereavement.
“We always bring parents and caregivers in to find out what’s going on and to be an active participant in the treatment, as they are active participants in their children’s lives,” she says. “We wouldn’t work alone with a baby; we need to see the parent-child and family interactions. We gather information from multiple sources to help determine if the child is meeting milestones and to see if he or she might need intervention like speech or physical therapy.”
Cohen and other Guidance Center professionals such as the medical director work as a team, conducting assessments and then conferring to determine the best course of treatment. “It’s a whole-team approach,” she says. They also conduct diagnostic testing for children on the autism spectrum, and children with learning disabilities and/or attention problems.
Very often, the mode of treatment involves play therapy. “Play is the child’s main way of learning and communicating,” says Cohen. “We think outside the box and use lots of creative means of relating to the child.”
Back to the Garden
One of those methods involves the use of the organic garden at RFTS (the Guidance Center also has an organic garden at its headquarters in Roslyn Heights). “We use the garden as a metaphor for growth and nurturance,” says Cohen. The staff often teaches the youngsters this poem: “Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds, you can plant flowers, or you can plant weeds.”
Says Cohen, “Working in the garden helps kids learn lessons about responsibility, collaboration and self-esteem. We tell them they can ‘weed out’ unnecessary behaviors and do things to help support good behaviors. It empowers them. Plus, many children have also used this as an opportunity to step out of their comfort zone and try a new vegetable or two.”
Cohen and her staff also utilize the Nature Nursery, which is primarily designed for our early childhood population of children under six years old. The Nature Nursery features a variety of “tools,” including a rock and water garden, shells, pine cones, wind chimes and more, all designed to help children explore the sights, sounds, smells and touch of nature.
“Six year olds, or sometimes even younger kids, are getting iPads or other tech devices,” she says. “They are losing touch with how to communicate and socialize face to face. When you see two and three year olds having tantrums because their parents don’t want to give them the phone, it’s a problem. They’re being set up to have social and communication problems.”
While learning to navigate technology is important, parental limits for moderation are also important, she adds. “We encourage children and their parents to also play with creative, hands-on activities and age-appropriate games.”
Autism Support
Cohen also runs a group called GASAK, for Grandparent Advocates Supporting Autistic Kids. “We sometimes bring in a speaker from a local support program or an educational advocate or lawyer who can provide information to the grandparents,” she explains. The grandparents often struggle when learning of a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and find comfort in knowing that others share their experiences.
“They are sometimes in an awkward position of not knowing how to help if, for example, they are taking their grandchild on outings and they have a tantrum or behave inappropriately. Our goal is to give them the knowledge, tools and support to handle these situations.”
What makes the Guidance Center such a great place isn’t only its services; it’s the people who work here, says Cohen. “We have a dedicated and passionate staff that is always looking for creative ways to help our children and their families.”
October is Adopt a Shelter Dog Month! Although the month is almost at an end, adopting a dog—or cat or other pet, for that matter—is a great thing to do any time of year. You’re not only saving the life of that one pet, but you’re opening up room in the shelter so another pet who is homeless or at risk of being euthanized can be saved.
Just some of the benefits of having a dog for your family, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:Developing positive feelings about pets can contribute to a child’s self-esteem and self-confidence. Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others. And a good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion and empathy.
Pets can serve different purposes for children:
They can be safe recipients of secrets and private thoughts; children often talk to their pets, like they do to their stuffed animals.
They provide lessons about life, including reproduction, birth, adoption, illnesses, accidents, death and bereavement.
They can help develop responsible behavior in the children who care for them.
They provide a connection to nature.
They can teach respect for other living things.
Once you’ve decided to add a pet to your family, there are many reasons that adoption is the way to go. Shelter pets will love and appreciate you for saving them. While all animals, whether adopted or purchased, give love to their families, shelter pets seem to have an extra-special feeling of gratitude, and you’ll be the beneficiary of all that lovin’!
In addition, many shelter dogs are already house-trained. While most shelters do have puppies (and is there anything better than puppy dog breath?), adopting a somewhat older dog has real advantages. Along with being house-trained, they are past the chewing stage, and since their personality is already in evidence, the shelter worker can help you match the pet’s personality to your family’s needs.
Shelters and rescue groups often have purebred dogs, so if you want a particular breed, you can likely find it. But remember, mixed breeds are often healthier animals, having bypassed the genetic disorders that can be passed down in purebreds.
Want to learn more about pet adoption? Click here for a great source of information.
Halloween is just around the corner, and kids of all ages are gearing up for the festivities. Before your children go trick or treating, here are some tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) to help ensure they have a safe holiday.
Plan costumes that are bright and reflective. Make sure that shoes fit well and that costumes are short enough to prevent tripping, entanglement or contact with flame.
Consider adding reflective tape or striping to costumes and Trick-or-Treat bags for greater visibility.
A parent or responsible adult should always accompany young children on their neighborhood rounds.
Obtain flashlights with fresh batteries for all children and their escorts.
If your older children are going alone, plan and review the route that is acceptable to you. Agree on a specific time when they should return home.
Only go to homes with a porch light on and never enter a home or car for a treat.
Check your child’s bag of candy for any unusual appearance or discoloration; tiny pinholes or tears in wrapper; and spoiled or unwrapped items.
Discard homemade items unless you know and trust the person who handed them out.
Click here for ideas on how to donate leftover or an overabundance of candy.
Because pedestrian injuries are the most common injuries to children on Halloween, remind trick-or-treaters:
Stay in a group and communicate where they will be going.
Remember reflective tape for costumes and trick-or-treat bags.
Remain on well-lit streets and always use the sidewalk.
If no sidewalk is available, walk at the far edge of the roadway facing traffic.
Never cut across yards or use alleys.
Only cross the street as a group in established crosswalks. Never cross between parked cars or out of driveways.
Don’t assume the right of way. Motorists may have trouble seeing trick-or-treaters. Just because one car stops, doesn’t mean others will!
And finally, keep your fur-babies safe on this holiday by keeping them indoors and away from the front door. It’s especially important to bring your black cat inside, since they are at an even greater risk of harm.
Have a happy and safe Halloween!
Take the Terror Out of Halloween
Is your youngster frightened of all the scary things associated with Halloween? Here’s a great idea to help: Make a visit to your local library and ask the librarian for books that help children see that Halloween is full of pretend things—some scary and lots of them just plain fun! Click here for some great choices.
The New York Times reported it this way: “In a remarkable turnabout, an international collaboration of researchers produced a series of analyses concluding that the advice [to eat less red meat], a bedrock of almost all dietary guidelines, is not backed by good scientific evidence.”
A few important points to note: The new study doesn’t dispute the conclusion that there is a possible increased risk for heart disease, cancer and early death from eating meat. The scientists did say, however, that the risk was so small that it didn’t justify the popular recommendation to cut down or cut out red meat altogether.
But many renowned experts, including those at The American Heart Association, the American Cancer Society, the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health and others, insist that the risks are valid and that the new study is flawed.
So, what’s a parent to do?
One thing we know for sure: Eating lots of fresh (or frozen) fruits and vegetables is widely accepted to be a healthful decision. Getting your kids to love apples, blueberries, spinach, broccoli and other healthy fare is a smart move.
Plus, eating less red meat is good for the planet.
A study published in the journal Nature analyzed how the global food system impacts the planet. It cited greenhouse gases that are released by livestock, deforestation and water shortages as some of the ways meat production is damaging to the environment.
Of course, these concepts may be hard to sell to your burger-loving kids. If health of their bodies and the planet seem a bit abstract to them, perhaps they’ll be motivated to decrease or even eliminate their consumption of meat based on their concern for animal welfare.
Whatever your stance on this issue, here are some tips on making vegetables and fruits appealing to your kids, courtesy of healthychildren.org:
Provide fruits and vegetables as snacks. Keep fruit washed, cut up and in plain sight in the refrigerator.
For younger children, you may want to cut veggies and fruits in shapes that will make them fun and appealing for kids.
Serve salads more often. Get prewashed, bagged salad at the grocery store. Teach your child what an appropriate amount of salad dressing is and how it can be ordered on the side at restaurants.
Try out vegetarian recipes for spaghetti, lasagna, chili or other foods using vegetables instead of meat.
Include at least one leafy green or yellow vegetable for vitamin A such as spinach, broccoli, winter squash, greens, or carrots each day.
Include at least one vitamin C–rich fruit or vegetable—such as oranges, grapefruit, strawberries, melon, tomato and broccoli—each day.
Add a fruit or vegetable as part of every meal or snack. For example, you could put fruit on cereal, add a piece of fruit or small salad to your child’s lunch, use vegetables and dip for an after-school snack, or add a vegetable or two you want to try to the family’s dinner.
Be a role model—eat more fruits and vegetables yourself.
Wondering how to establish and maintain healthy sleep habits for your baby or older child? Here are a few tips from Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant Corey Wilbur, M.S., founder of Let There Be Sleep! LLC.
Stick to a regular daytime and bedtime sleep schedule as much as possible, even on the weekends. Studies indicate that a regular sleep schedule maintains the timing of the body’s internal clock and can help your children fall asleep and wake up more easily.
A consistent bedtime routine is important. Many parents like to use the “4 Bs”: bath, brush, book, bed. Make the routine simple so it can be used anywhere and by anyone caring for your children.
To prevent sleep disruptions, help your child wind down about half an hour before bedtime with stories and quiet activities. This includes turning off all screens at least one hour before bedtime.
Keep your child’s sleep space cool, quiet and comfortable. Dim lights in the entire house prior to bedtime, and use white noise or soft music.
Make their bedroom a calm space—even somewhat boring! You don’t want the room to be overly stimulating with bright colors, patterns and lights. Remove toys, games and stuffed animals that make noise, have flashing lights, etc.
From age 18 months it is safe to offer your child a security object such as a stuffed animal or small blanket. Encouraging your toddler to cuddle up to a favorite lovey can help him/her self-sooth and feel secure at night.
Include time for exercise and fresh air every day. It can help children feel more awake and focused during the day and have an easier time falling and staying asleep at night.
Don’t put your baby to bed with anything other than water. A bottle or cup with milk, formula or juice can lead to tooth decay.
Avoidoverscheduling. Children need time to wind down in the late afternoon and evening in order to get a good night’s sleep.
To find out more about Let There Be Sleep, visit www.lettherebesleep.com, email lettherebesleep@gmail.com or call (516) 570-7445.
During the early months of each year, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center conducts an informal study in an attempt to understand who is calling us for help and what needs they’re calling us about. In recent years, the trend has been that most of the children and teens we see are experiencing depression, often coupled with anxiety.
Approximately 1 in 5 teens experience major depression, but about 60% do not receive treatment.
While everyone can have a bad day or two that eventually passes, with serious depression there is a more intense and prolonged feeling of hopelessness and inability to function in the important areas of one’s life, at school, at home or with peers.
“Both children and teens are at risk of depression when they experience traumatic events in their lives, such as divorce, death of a loved one, abuse or illness,” says Elissa Smilowitz, LCSWR and Coordinator of Triage & Emergency Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center.
But there isn’t always a dramatic event that triggers depression.
“Beginning around puberty, the risk of depression in teens increases,” says Regina Barros-Rivera, Associate Executive Director at the Guidance Center. “Their bodies are changing, and they’re experiencing hormonal fluctuations that can make them irritable and moody.”
During the teen years, peers become the number one influence in each other’s lives, but that doesn’t mean your role as a parent is any less significant. “Even though you feel them pulling away, your teens still need you during this time,” says Barros-Rivera. “They are more likely to begin engaging in risky behavior, so your influence is as important as ever. They need you to help them develop good judgment.”
Along with adolescence comes a whole host of new pressures. Schoolwork, body image, sexual orientation and peer pressure all can combine to make a teen feel overwhelmed.
So, while moodiness is a hallmark for adolescents, how do you know when your teen is experiencing depression and might need professional treatment?
Here are some signs that may indicate depression:
Withdrawal from friends and family
Anxiety
Low self-esteem
Increased anger
Worry about loss of control
Crying often
Inability to feel joy
Changes in appetite (either increased or decreased)
Sleeping more or less than usual
Feeling tired
Changes in grades or attitude toward school
Having trouble concentrating
Physical complaints like headaches or stomachaches
Use of drugs and/or alcohol
Expressing thoughts of suicide or wanting to die
Remember, it’s important that a medical doctor examine your teen since some symptoms of depression can have a physical cause such as thyroid problems, diabetes or other conditions. It may also run in families.
If you begin to see several of these symptoms lasting two weeks or more, contact North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at 516-626-1971.
Note: For some helpful tips on preventing depression in your child or teen, click here for an article from the Mayo Clinic.
Like many people, I struggle with anxiety and depression, which started when I was a teenager. Somehow I had the will power to document my journey from hospitalizations, suicide attempts, brain surgery and just navigating life. The rest is history inside a book I wrote called Creative Mind: Diary of Teenage Mental Illness.
One of the issues I chronicle in my book is the challenge of finding a psychiatrist that has openings, or is on your insurance, or is available to see you within a reasonable amount of time. This is a national problem, as well as a personal one. (Editor’s note: click here to read more about the issue of timely and affordable access to treatment for mental illness.)
Not long ago, I found myself once again without a doctor to treat my depression—or in this case a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner (PNP), whom I had last seen in June. When I went to refill my prescription, the pharmacy informed me that they could not reach anyone from the PNP’s office. When I tried to call her, I expected to at least speak with the secretary, but I couldn’t reach anyone. The next day I called again. Still no answer. I left a message stating I needed my medication refilled but my call wasn’t returned.
Luckily my neurologist had the prescription refilled for me and I was able to pick up my medication, but for so many people, this can be a truly devastating situation.
With my medication taken care of for the time being, I was good for a while. I had some wonderful changes in my life: I got married, returned from my honeymoon and enjoyed the summer. I had nothing to worry about—or so I thought. With the summer coming to an end, work became busier and I returned to school. It was stressful, but I was able to handle the stress.
I didn’t see the dip that was coming.
A “dip” is what my mom and I call it when I go into a deep depression, and unfortunately, I started to dip. Could this have been due to an extra work load and anxiety from the anticipation of school? Whatever the reasons, I decided that I needed to make an appointment with my PNP. It was the end of July; I was making calls to her office every day. One day I even took a drive to her office. The office was shared by other practitioners, but my PNP and her secretary were nowhere in sight.
I heard another worker in the office; I rattled my car keys to get somebody’s attention, but got no acknowledgment. I resorted to loud, obnoxious coughing, which finally did the trick. A counselor came out of her office and asked me what I needed. I explained my situation and to my surprise the PNP’s absence was due to a hospital stay. Additionally, her secretary just returned from vacation and I had just missed her.
With all of these complications and uncertainties, I decided to search for an alternative to my PNP, so I researched various doctors and made some phone calls.
Finding a specialist shouldn’t be this difficult. It should require making a phone call, making sure they accept your insurance, and booking an appointment. Simple, right? Not the case. I quit after four phone calls.
The offices I called did not accept insurance, which is common. There are so many people listed on Psychology Today’s website, but almost none of them take insurance. My mom and I accepted that, for now, insurance did not matter—until I found out that an evaluation was $500!
The good news is that I am doing well right now, and I can get my medication through my neurologist, but not everyone has that option. Although the journey is rough sometimes, I urge people not to quit seeking help. It’s important to remember that every day is another opportunity for a great day.
I will continue to write my story and help others along the way.
Bio: Guest blogger Nicole Nagy is a social worker and author of Creative Mind: Diary of Teenage Mental Illness, available at amazon.com.
Finding Help
If your child or teen needs help with anxiety, depression or any other mental health issue, contact North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971. We take most insurance plans, and we never turn anyone away for inability to pay.
Finding Help
If your child or teen needs help with anxiety, depression or any other mental health issue, contact North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971. We take most insurance plans, and we never turn anyone away for inability to pay.
At North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, we not only provide counseling, but we also offer some very innovative programs targeted at specific needs and sectors of our local communities.
One of those programs is the Latina Girls Project, which was created to respond to the alarming rate of depression, school refusal, self-harm, sexual abuse, suicidal ideation and attempted suicides by Hispanic girls, ages 12-17. In addition to bilingual individual, family and group therapy, the program incorporates a youth enrichment component that is comprised of monthly supervised outings to places such as theaters, museums and other cultural and educational sites. These trips also offer respite to the parents who are relieved to know that their daughters are in safe hands and doing worthwhile things.
All of the trips are sponsored by our very generous donors, John and Janet Kornreich.
In celebration of Hispanic Heritage Month, here is a summary of two recent trips:
Exploring the Arts:
We had a great turnout for our trip to Muse PaintBar in Garden City. At first, some of the girls said they had no artistic talent and were a little nervous about painting. But the instructor was great, and assured them that everyone has an inner artist! The instructor told them not to feel like they should copy exactly what they saw; instead, she said it’s like handwriting, where everyone has their own individual style. The message was that you are 100% good enough just the way you are, and that you can do so much more than you thought possible.
What was so impressive was how the girls’ level of concentration was so strong. Many of them say they have trouble concentrating in school, but they were fully attentive when it came to being creative.
In addition, the girls are so respectful of the space they are in. There is no cursing, or pushing, or teasing. They even make sure the van is clean after we use it. Part of what we teach them is how to behave appropriately in the world. This goes hand in hand with developing self-respect, which is a key component to emotional well-being. Their behavior makes all of us very proud—and it rightfully makes them proud of themselves!
A Day at the Theater:
For another recent trip, we saw a wonderful musical called The Buddy Holly Story at The John W. Engeman Theater in Northport, a beautiful venue that uses professional actors directly from the Broadway talent pool.
Even though Buddy Holly lived well before their time, the girls were fascinated by his story. Buddy was a young person who went after his dreams, despite any obstacles that faced him, and that message was inspiring for the girls. He was also someone who broke tradition by playing at the Apollo Theater, which at that time featured only black performers.
There is an especially meaningful scene when Buddy gets on stage at the Apollo and both he and the audience are surprised that, as a white man, he is the featured talent. But once he began to play, it was clear that what is on the outside in terms of race and color isn’t important; the message that diversity should be welcomed was one that the girls could truly appreciate.
They also were surprised and delighted to see that Buddy married a Latina woman and also that Richie Valens, who sang the still-famous song La Bamba (which the girls knew), was part of Buddy’s tour. The girls experience racism in their lives regularly, especially in these times when immigrants are looked down upon by some people in our country. They were uplifted by this story’s very inclusive and positive message!
To learn more about the Latina Girls Project and other Guidance Center programs, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or call (516) 626-1971.
Recent headlines have revealed an alarming rash of suicides among police officers and veterans. But adults are not the only ones at risk.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide is the third leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 14, and the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 15 and 34. One in 12 high school students attempts suicide.
It is far more rare—though not unheard of—for children younger than 10 to commit suicide, but it does happen. About four out of every 500,000 children below the age of 12 commit suicide annually, reports the CDC.
At North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, 20 percent of all admissions come to us as crisis situations, including kids who talk and act as if they don’t want to live.
Both children and teens are at risk of depression and suicide when they experience traumatic events in their lives, such as divorce, death of a loved one, abuse or illness, according to Elissa Smilowitz, LCSWR and Coordinator of Triage & Emergency Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center.
Smilowitz emphasizes that parents must acknowledge that the risk of suicide is real and that it’s very dangerous to view their child or teen’s behavior as a normal part of adolescent melodrama. “Parents say, ‘Teenagers are supposed to be moody, aren’t they?’,” she says. “Yes, but it is the severity of the mood that parents need to look at.”
Here are some of the warning signs that a child or teen might be suicidal, from the Mayo Clinic:
Talking or writing about suicide — for example, making statements such as “I’m going to kill myself,” or “I won’t be a problem for you much longer”
Withdrawing from social contact
Having mood swings
Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
Feeling trapped or hopeless about a situation
Changing normal routine, including eating or sleeping patterns
Doing risky or self-destructive things
Giving away belongings when there is no other logical explanation for why this is being done
Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated when experiencing some of the warning signs listed above
So, what do you do if you suspect your child or teen may be suicidal? The first step is to consult a mental health professional. The Guidance Center has a Triage & Emergency Services program that offers a rapid response to psychiatric emergencies. Our team will assess if the situation appears urgent and will make an appointment to see the child within 24 to 48 hours (if it’s deemed extremely urgent, we do advise you go to the Emergency Room).
It’s very important that you communicate your concern to your child in a loving, non-judgmental way, says Smilowitz. “Talking about suicide will not make your child more likely to act upon it,” she says. “The opposite is true. Also, let them know that you believe that getting help is not a weakness, but rather shows their strength.”
If you or a member of your family is in crisis, call North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971. You can also call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
They couldn’t be more wrong. Not only is it dangerous, it turns out it is potentially deadly.
The New York Times reported the following on August 23, 2019:
“A patient in Illinois is the first to die of a mysterious lung illness linked to vaping, public health officials announced on Friday.
The death occurred as doctors and hospitals nationwide report an increasing number of vaping-related respiratory illnesses this summer: 193 cases have now been reported in 22 states, including 22 cases in Illinois.
Until recently, these cases have been off the radar of most doctors and public health officials, who were already struggling to stop youths from vaping standard e-cigarettes. But cannabis liquids and oils have become more widely available online and in many stores. And because the ingredients may not be disclosed at all, unsuspecting consumers may be exposed to a cocktail of hazardous chemicals.”
Sadly, the use of e-cigarettes among teens is increasing dramatically. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, teens report a dramatic increase in their use of vaping devices in just a single year, with 37.3 percent of 12th graders reporting “any vaping” in the past 12 months, compared to just 27.8 percent in 2017.
Unlike with tobacco, the makers of e-cigarettes are allowed to use sweet flavorings like vanilla or other candy and dessert flavors, clearly an attempt to hook younger users on their product. Since studies show that e-cigarette use is higher than the use of regular cigarettes, it appears that the marketing is working, and that the mistaken idea that these products are safe has taken hold.
So what is a parent to do? First, let your kids know that e-cigarettes are not safe alternatives to cigarettes. The studies increasingly show that they can cause:
Damage to the brain, heart and lungs
Cancerous tumor development
Preterm deliveries and stillbirths in pregnant women
Harmful effects on brain and lung development, when use occurs during fetal development or adolescence
Another point that’s important for kids to know: the additives, heavy metals, ultrafine particles, and other ingredients in e-cigarettes are toxic carcinogens—hardly a safe alternative to regular cigarettes.
In addition, according to a Yale study, nearly one in five e-cigarette users has also used e-cigarettes for marijuana, or marijuana byproducts like hash oil. Some teens are also using these devices to vaporize opiates and forms of “synthetic weed” such as K2 and Spice.
Hopefully, your kids will heed your message and stay away from this new form of substance abuse. But if you discover that your kids are vaping, take it seriously. Contact the Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971.
With the support of same sex marriage becoming more and more popular in the United States, more confusion about these topics may hinder acceptance. If you’re the parent of a gay, bisexual or queer child and are confused about the terminology, this blog post is for you.
Here is a listing of various terms to help you understand the state of language usage when it comes to these issues.
Sexuality: refers to who one is romantically/sexually attracted to
Straight/heterosexual: one who is attracted to the opposite sex
LGBTQ+:
L (Lesbian): a woman who is attracted to other women
G (Gay): a man/woman who is attracted to other men/women, respectively
B (Bisexual): someone who is attracted to both men and women
T (Transgender): a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex. (“Transgender” is not a sexuality. Please refer to last week’s blog, “He Said, She Said, They Said: A Look at Gender,” for more information on transgender terminology).
Q (Queer or Questioning):
“Queer” is an umbrella term for someone in the LGBTQ community. Formerly used as a derogatory word for a gay person, it is now a self-described term for someone who is in the LGBTQ community.
“Questioning” refers to someone who is questioning their sexuality.
‘+’ is included to recognize the many sexualities that the acronym LGBTQ does not contain.
Some other acronyms you might see following LGBTQ+ are…
I (intersex): someone born with genitals or autonomy that is not distinctly male or female. Previously called “hermaphrodite.” (“Intersex” is not a sexuality. Please refer to last week’s blog, “He Said, She Said, They Said: A Look at Gender,” for more information on transgender terminology).
A (asexual): someone who does not experience sexual attraction
More sexualities not covered by the LGBTQ+ acronym
Pansexual: someone who is attracted to others regardless of gender identity
Polyamorous: someone who engages in consensual non-monogamy
And many more! Use Google if you’re unsure about a term.
Reclaimed Words
Reclaimed words are words/terms that were/are used to be derogatory against the LGBTQ+ community, and have since been “reclaimed” by the community. Unless someone in the LGBTQ+ community has invited you to say these words, do not use them:
Queer
Previously a derogatory term for a gay person, queer is now used by the community as an umbrella term for someone who is not straight.
Dyke
A lesbian who presents as masculine. Often used derogatorily, it has also been reclaimed by some lesbians as a positive self-identity term.
Butch
One who identifies themselves as masculine in all parts of life. Sometimes used derogatorily to refer to lesbians, but is also claimed as a positive self-identity term.
Faggot
Derogatory term referring to a gay person or someone perceived as gay. Also has been reclaimed by some gay people as a positive self-identity term
Homosexual
An outdated clinical term for a gay person. This medical term is considered stigmatizing based on its history as a category of mental illness. Use gay or lesbian instead.
Topics of gender and sexuality can be confusing. They are both fluid, and on a spectrum, ever changing based on personal preference and societal expectations. When in doubt, be patient, use Google, and if the LGBTQ+ person in your life is willing to share, ask questions. You don’t have to know it all, but as long as you’re open minded, you’re headed in the right direction.
Bio: Sydney Spilko is the social media intern at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. She recently graduated from Syracuse University with a degree in Psychology.
If you’re a parent, and you’ve heard these terms before, you may be confused about what they mean. As a larger understanding of gender among young people has increased over the past few years, topics, terms and ideas have emerged, and you can be sure that your kids are talking about it. In next week’s blog, we will be talking about sexuality; that is, the ways people are sexually and romantically attracted to others. For now, though, we will be talking about gender identity.
Below is a Q and A about the topics related to gender identity.
What is sex?
Sex refers to the gender someone is assigned at birth, usually a penis for men, and a vagina for women. Someone who identifies with their gender assigned at birth is referred to as cisgender.
What is gender?
Gender refers to how one experiences and expresses attributes associated with being a man or a woman. The gender binary is the classification of gender into two distinct, opposite and disconnected forms of masculine and feminine (exclusively male or female). Modern theories of gender reject the gender binary and see gender as a spectrum, not a fixed binary of male and female. This allows for more freedom and fluidity when thinking about gender.
What does it mean to be transgender?
Transgender people are those whose gender identity is different from the gender they were thought to be at birth. “Trans” is often used as shorthand for transgender.
When we’re born, a doctor usually says that we’re male or female based on our genitalia. Most people who are labeled male at birth turn out to identify as men, and most people who are labeled female at birth turn out to identify as a woman. But some people’s gender identity (their innate knowledge of who they are) is different from what was initially expected when they were born. Most of these people describe themselves as transgender.
For example, a transgender woman lives as a woman today, but was thought to be a male when she was born. A transgender man lives as a man today, but was thought to be a female when he was born. Some transgender people identify as neither male or female, or a combination of both. These people may describe themselves as non-binary, or genderqueer.
Furthermore, everyone—transgender or not—has a gender identity. Most people don’t think about their gender identity, however, because it matches their sex at birth.
The best way to understand what being transgender is like is to speak with transgender people and listen to their stories.
How does someone know they’re transgender?
Realizing one is transgender is different for each person. Some people “just knew” at an early age, while others may have come to realize it over years. Recognizing who they are and deciding to start thinking about their gender can take a lot of reflection. Because transgender people are often discriminated against, harassed and made to feel unsafe, it may take many years, and a lot of courage, to open up about their gender identity.
What’s the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity?
In our next blog, we will dive into the many different sexual orientations, which can be defined as who one is attracted to. Gender identity is separate from sexual orientation. Gender identity refers to your internal knowledge of your own gender, such as the knowledge that you’re a man, woman or other gender. Like non-transgender people, transgender people can have any sexual orientation. For example, a transgender man may be primarily attracted to other men (and identify as a gay man); may be primarily attracted to women (and identify as a straight man); or have any other sexual orientation.
What’s the difference between being transgender and being intersex?
Intersex people have a reproductive anatomy or genes that don’t fit typical definitions of male or female, which is often discovered at birth. Being transgender, meanwhile, has to do with your internal knowledge of your gender identity. While it’s possible to be both transgender and intersex, most transgender people aren’t intersex, and most intersex people aren’t transgender.
What is the difference between being transgender and being gender non-conforming?
Being gender non-conforming means not conforming to gender stereotypes. For example, someone’s hair, clothes and hobbies might be more “feminine” or “masculine” than what’s stereotypically associated with their gender. Gender non-conforming people may or may not be transgender. For example, someone who identifies as a woman may have short hair, which may be considered masculine to some.
What does it mean to have a gender that’s not male or female?
Most transgender people are men or women. But some people don’t neatly fit into the categories of man or woman. For example, some people may have a gender that blends the elements of being a man or a woman, or a gender that is different than either male or female. Some people don’t identify with a gender. Some people’s gender fluctuates over time. People whose gender is not male or female may use different terms to describe themselves. One of those terms is non-binary, which is used because the gender binary refers to the two categories of male and female. Others may use the terms genderqueer or genderfluid. If you don’t know what term someone uses to describe their gender, you should ask them politely.
Why don’t transgender people get counseling to accept the gender they were assigned at birth?
Counseling aimed at changing someone’s gender identity, sometimes known as conversion therapy, doesn’t work and can be extremely harmful. Telling someone that a core part of who they are is wrong or delusional and forcing them to change is dangerous, sometimes leading to depression, self-harm, substance abuse and even suicide. However, many transgender people find it helpful to get counseling to help them decide when and how to tell the world they are transgender.
What does “gender transition” mean?
Transitioning is the time period during which a person begins to live according to their gender identity, rather than the gender they were thought to be at birth. This may include changing clothing, appearance, name or the pronoun people use to refer to you (like she, he or they). This also may include legally changing their name on their driver’s licenses, passports or other documents. Some people undergo hormone therapy or other medical procedures to change their physical characteristics as well. Transitioning can help many transgender people lead healthy, fulfilling lives. No specific steps are necessary to “complete” transition; it’s different for each person. Furthermore, all transgender people are entitled to the same dignity and respect, regardless of which transitioning steps they have taken.
What medical treatments do some transgender people seek when transitioning?
Some, but not all, transgender people undergo medical treatments. Some of these treatments include hair growth or removal procedures, hormone therapy and various surgeries to make one’s face, chest and anatomy more in line with one’s gender identity.
What is gender dysphoria?
For some transgender people, the difference between the gender they are thought to be at birth and the gender they know themselves to be can lead to serious emotional distress that can negatively impact their health and everyday lives. Gender dysphoria is the medical diagnosis for someone who experiences this distress.
Why is transgender equality important?
Transgender people should be treated with the same respect as anyone else, and be able to live, and be respected, according to their gender identity. However, there are many ways that transgender people are discriminated against, including violence and harassment. Some examples of discrimination that transgender people may face include:
Being fired from or denied a job
Facing harassment and bullying at school
Becoming homeless or living in poverty
Being denied housing, shelter and critical medical care
Being incarcerated or targeted by law enforcement
Facing abuse and violence
Bridging the gap between you as a parent and your child whose gender is unclear may be frustrating and difficult. However, there are many resources online and in person to help you to further understand. When in doubt, ask questions, use resources and be respectful. Listen to the stories of transgender people, and try to be inclusive as much as possible.
How to be a transgender ally:
Do:
Politely ask what pronouns and name a person prefers when referring to them. “What would you prefer to be called?” “What pronouns do you use?”
Respect the rights of transgender people to define themselves.
Ask questions respectfully; understand it takes a lot of energy and courage to answer such questions, and that they are justified in not answering any questions that may make them uncomfortable.
Challenge gender assumptions and transphobia whenever possible.
Incorporate transgender issues and individuals into your conversations at work by using trans-friendly language, such as he, she or they.
View transgender as a positive identity rather than a tragic or confused situation
DON’T
“Out” a trans person without their expressed permission.
Assume an individual’s sex or gender based on their appearance.
Ask transgender people about their body, genitalia or sex lives in any situation in which you would not ask a cisgender person about their body, genitalia or sex life.
Place labels on individuals; mirror their language and self-identification instead.
More terms to consider
Trans: an abbreviation of the word transgender. Often used to describe a transgender person.
Transexual: identifies psychologically as a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth. They often wish to transform their bodies hormonally/surgically to match their inner sense of gender.
Medical Transition: may include hormone therapy, sex reassignment surgery.
Queen: may refer to a drag queen or an effeminate gay man. Usually reserved for self-identification.
Sex Change: referring to a sex-change operation inaccurately suggests that a person must have surgery in order to transition.
Tranny, She-male, he/she, it: these words dehumanize transgender people and should never be used.
Feeling sluggish? Kids stuck to their phone or tablet? The first week in August is National Exercise with your Child Week, so it’s a great time to get moving and get healthy!
When you have young children, getting in your daily exercise can be challenging. But by including your children in your exercise routines, you’ll stay on track and teach them how to be healthy and take care of themselves, all while having family time together. Here are a few suggestions:
Yoga is a great way to relax and work on flexibility together. Show your children some simple poses and stretches, and allow them to figure out the poses on their own or make up new ones. Precision isn’t important; what matters is that everyone is having fun together! Through yoga, children learn to be patient with themselves. They also learn focus, self-acceptance and healthy calming techniques such as deep breathing.
Dancing together can be fun for both you and your kids. Put on your children’s favorite movie soundtrack, or introduce them to classic Motown, rock or whatever gets you in the mood to move. Your kids will love the chance to let their guard down and be silly with you. Create dance moves together or just freestyle, and have fun!
It’s still summer for several weeks, so take advantage of the beautiful beaches on Long Island, or a community or backyard pool. Learning to swim, swimming laps, or just splashing around together is a great full-body workout, as well as a way to beat the heat.
Dining together as a family is very important. You can extend family time with pre/post dinner walks. Walking is the best way to engage your body in exercise with little effort, and you can include the whole family.
Last, consider a family sport/game night. Designate one day or more days a week to playing a sport, doing a relay race, shooting hoops or playing catch. Make exercise something to look forward to instead of another chore.
Whatever activities you and your family choose to do, exercising together teaches your children about lifelong health and provides family time and fun!
Summer is in full swing, and Long Island is packed with activities for you and your family. If your children aren’t in camp or daycare, it might be stressful trying to figure out what to do on hot summer days. Whether inside or outside, in the water or at a museum, there are many places for the entire family to explore. From kid cafés to baseball games, check out the list below for something for everyone to enjoy!
This spacious facility features 75 air and spacecraft from a hot air balloon to an actual Apollo Lunar Module. And don’t miss the Planetarium & Dome Theater!
Join the Aquarium for Mermaid Mondays, Yoga “Aquarium Style,” and get free admission on your birthday! Kids will love the touch tank and the sharks (but don’t worry, no shark touching allowed)!
Ride on slides, tube ride down the lazy river, and much more! Kiddie areas like Monsoon Lagoon and the Octopus Pool are great for younger kids. Don’t forget to rent a cabana for a comfortable and relaxing experience for the whole family.
BATTER UP!
Long Island Ducks, 3 Court House Drive, Central Islip, (631) 940-3825
A real old-fashioned baseball game, with fun events between every inning! There’s even a Long Island Ducks Kids Club, open to kids 14 and under, and members receive cool gifts and more!
Many Long Island beachfront towns feature boardwalks, including Port Washington Sound, Long Beach Boardwalk, Sunken Meadow State Park, or make it a day at Coney Island! But don’t forget the sunscreen!
With all these activities and more, this summer can be fun for all ages!
The summer season is upon us, with BBQs, beaches and fun events of all kinds in full swing. Whether your children are spending time in the water, playing sports, or on the playground, their wellbeing is always at the top of your list!
Water safety is especially important for infants, including time spent in pools or in open water such as oceans and lakes. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, three children die every day as a result of drowning. In fact, drowning kills more children ages 1-4 than anything except birth defects.
The good news: There are many steps you and your family can take to stay safe in the water. Water Safety for Kids:
Take a friend with you in the water
Know your limits
Only swim where an adult is watching you
Wear a life jacket on open water
Keep an eye on the weather; get out immediately is you hear thunder
Don’t float where you can’t swim
Do not run or push near the water
Never face your back to waves in the ocean
Water Safety for Adults:
Always supervise children that are in or around water
Teach kids to swim
Install a four-sided fence around home pools
Learn the basics of CPR
Don’t allow your kids to swim in the ocean if no lifeguard is on duty
Tell your children to swim parallel to the shore if they are caught in a rip current or undertow
It’s important to note that water safety isn’t just about keeping kids out of danger at the beach or pool. Bathtub safety is equally important, especially for little ones. Babies (under age 1) most often drown in bathtubs, buckets and even toilets, so never leave them alone, even for a minute. Always apply non-stick pads or a mat to the bathtub, and put a rubber cover or washcloth over the faucet to prevent injuries if your child bumps into it.
Have a happy and safe summer!
Beat the Heat
Warm weather is nice for most outdoor activities, but too much heat can become dangerous, especially for young kids. Heat-related illness may occur if one participates in strenuous activity in very hot weather. Below are some tips to keep children safe when it’s hot. Never leave children or pets in a parked car even with the windows down Dress infants in loose, lightweight, bright-colored clothing Schedule outdoor activities for the morning or evening Apply sunscreen whenever you and your child go outside Summer is tick season: check yourself and your children after being outside.
ADHD has become a popular topic over the past decade. With new treatments and wider availability of mental health services, ADHD diagnoses have been on the rise, so it’s important to know the facts surrounding this condition.
Those who are diagnosed with ADHD, which stands for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, often suffer from symptoms such as hyperactivity, inattention and impulsivity, or a combination of these. Many people believe that ADHD, which is a brain disorder, is exclusively a children’s condition but, while the symptoms of ADHD typically begin in childhood, it can continue through adolescence and into adulthood, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).
The hyperactivity aspect of ADHD tends to decrease during the teen years, but problems with inattention, disorganization and poor impulse control often linger in adults.
According to the NIMH, most children have a combination of ADHD symptoms, which can manifest in many different ways.
Symptoms often present as follows:
Overlooking or missing details
Inability to stay focused on one task for an extended period
Appearing to not listen when spoken to directly
Failing to follow through on instructions
Losing things necessary for tasks or activities
Being forgetful in daily activities
Fidgeting and squirming in their seats
Talking non-stop
Interrupting or intruding on others
Having trouble waiting for their turn
Vanessa McMullen, Supervisor at the Guidance Center’s Marks Family Right from the Start 0-3+ Center in Manhasset, says that the first step when children are brought in is to evaluate their symptoms and behaviors to determine if ADHD is the likely diagnosis.
“There is no specific test for ADHD, but we base the diagnosis on reports of behavior from the family, the child and the school,” says McMullen. For example, if a child seems very hyperactive and unable to listen to directions at home but does fine with them in school, the issue is not likely to be true ADHD but rather a behavioral problem. “Kids who have ADHD will have trouble listening at home and at school and other locations,” she explains.
The Guidance Center also uses behavioral interventions for ADHD, teaching both the child and parent ways to help increase the ability to focus and follow through, she adds. “Homework can be very difficult for children and teens with ADHD, so we talk about setting up a quiet space with very few distractions,” says McMullen. “We also help the parents learn to give directions in a more effective, simpler way that works best for their child.”
For children in school, home- and school-based therapies may be implemented to help with stress management, time management and organizational techniques.
Group therapy can also be very effective, since kids learn from others like them how to manage their behaviors.
Because ADHD has to do with the over-stimulation of the brain, both stimulant and non-stimulant medication may also be part of the treatment plan. Stimulants work because of the way the medication interacts with and produces dopamine in the brain, leading to increased attention and focus.
When stimulant medication doesn’t work, non-stimulants (such as atomoxetineor guanfacine) and even antidepressants have been shown to be effective.
Sydney, who was diagnosed with ADHD in middle school and now lives with it as an adult, describes having ADHD as though “everything is able to become a distraction; I have a strong urge to continue to move, even when in a professional setting. I know it may seem inappropriate, but for people with ADHD, especially younger people, it’s extremely difficult to control and takes a lot of self-awareness.”
She adds, “I think one of the most important things for parents and teachers to understand is that although our movements and noises may be annoying and distracting, they are as difficult for us to deal with as it is for you.”
Diagnosis of ADHD requires a comprehensive evaluation by a licensed clinician, such as a pediatrician, psychologist, or psychiatrist with expertise in ADHD. Please call North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971 for help.
When Emily (not her real name) first came to North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, she was experiencing anxiety and depression that was largely caused by her fear of coming out to her family.
Her fears weren’t unfounded. “Her parents were very disapproving and would not accept their daughter’s bisexuality,” explains Elissa Smilowitz, LCSWR and Coordinator of Triage & Emergency Services at the Guidance Center. “It was devastating to Emily, as it is to any youth who experiences that kind of rejection.”
Emily and her parents had individual and family counseling at the Guidance Center, and, though it took some time, her parents came to understand that their daughter needed their love and support, not their condemnation. Their relationship is now solid, and Emily knows she can be herself with her family without risking judgment.
According to Smilowitz, the Guidance Center has seen a significant increase of young people who either identify as LGBTQ or who are questioning their sexuality.
“Kids who are 12 or 13 are at a time in their lives when they are discovering who they are, and for some, that brings up issues surrounding their sexual preferences,” she says. “They are discovering who they are in so many ways.”
While it’s a normal phase, some parents have a very hard time with it, but if they act upset or angry, it can be very detrimental to their children’s mental health, she says. Rejection leads to serious issues such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse and even suicidal thinking or actions.
The best response to this questioning phase is clear: Express unconditional love and acceptance. “Whether or not an adolescent ends up identify as LGBTQ or not doesn’t change the fact that parents need to be calm and supportive,” says Smilowitz. “Tell them you will love them the same no matter what.”For help with these and other issues, contact the Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971. Another great resource on Long Island is The LGBT Network, an association of non-profit organizations working to serve the LGBT community of Long Island and Queens throughout their lifespan. It includes a group specifically for young people, called the Long Island Gay and Lesbian Youth (LIGALY).
According to the Human Rights Campaign’s report, Growing Up LGBT in America, a survey of more than 10,000 LGBT-identified youth ages 13-17:
4 in 10 say the community in which they live is not accepting of LGBT people.
They are twice as likely as their peers to say they have been physically assaulted, kicked or shoved.
26% say their biggest problems are not feeling accepted by their family; trouble at school/bullying; and fear to be out/open.
Over one-half (54%) say they have been verbally harassed and called names involving anti-gay slurs.
Among non-LGBT youth, 67% report being happy while only 37% of LGBT youth say they are happy.
LGBT youth are more than twice as likely as non-LGBT youth to experiment with alcohol and drugs.
92% say they hear negative messages about being LGBT. The top sources are school, the Internet and their peers.
